Originally Posted by
DMercator
Like many men on here, I've given this topic a lot of thought. In my case I think the end of our sex life was driven by a variety of factors.
Familiarity: We've been married for almost 5 decades. So, right off the top, there is familiarity. Doesn't matter how good a meal is, when you've been eating from the same dish for decades, it's hard to get excited about the meal.
Low self-esteem: Her self-esteem is another factor. I recognized early on that my sexual fantasies and desires left her feeling inadequate. If I fantasized or jerked off watching porn of other women, it must mean she wasn't good enough... pretty enough... enough for me. It wasn't something she put on me, but its how she felt.
Jealousy: This sense of inadequacy went hand-in-hand with feelings of jealousy. She was always jealous, sometimes perceiving attractions and possible connections where there were none. It simply wasn't in her to accept me being with another woman.
Emotions: We played with the idea of inviting another man into our bed. She knew I was bi curious and it seemed like a win-win. We had a brief threesome with a male friend that lasted a month or two. The lesson from that encounter was that she couldn't have a purely physical relationship without feelings of love getting into the mix. (Careful what you wish for fellas). We ended the relationship and that was the last time we played with others as a couple.
Guilt: She clearly enjoyed the sex while it was happening, but as time passed she has become adamant in her denial of that enjoyment. I think part of this stems from her upbringing. While we're not overly religious today, she was raised religious and I think she carries an element of guilt when it comes to sex. Sucking and fucking another man while she's married isn't what a "good person" is suppose to do.
So, can't be with other people, feelings of inadequacy, and the long term effects of age and familiarity. As time went by, her sex drive slowly disappeared altogether.
The journey to being sexless...
The sexual attention she once welcomed became an unwanted burden. Where once I shared everything with her, she told me she didn't want to hear it. In her words, "I'm your wife, not your fuck buddy." (Silly me, I thought those were suppose to be one in the same.)
If I attempted to stroke her back or massage her shoulders to initiate sex, she would accuse me of 'groping' her and compare me to some sleazed in a bar trying to pick her up. (Ouch). I remember going through a stage where she said if I didn't want it all the time, maybe she'd want it more. This, of course, was bull shit.
When we did have sex, she didn't want foreplay. She wanted to fuck. For years we used a vibrator while we were fucking. Toward the end, she would organism fairly quickly and then lay there waiting for me to finish. Have you ever been in the middle of a fuck and been struck with the realization you're in it alone?
For the longest time I was in denial. I was so wrapped up in my own needs and desires I just couldn't face the fact that she truly wasn't interested in sex any longer. Not just with me but, as far as I could tell, sex with anyone.
When the realization that I was in this alone finally sunk, I stopped initiating sex and that was the day our sex life ended. I literally have it marked on my calendar.
Every year, on the anniversary of that day, I would make an attempt to try again with a weekend away or a romantic dinner without the family. Only to have my efforts rebuffed. I remember asking her in year 5, "Don't you miss it? Don't you want to have sex any longer?"
Her response was, "It hurt when you stopped trying, but then I thought why I should be bothered by not having something I didn't want that much to start with?" (Double ouch)
At the time, hearing her finally saying aloud what I already knew - that she didn't want me and hadn't wanted me in a long time - broke my heart all over again.
Where we are now...
In my younger years, having sex off the table would have been a relationship ender and, indeed, we came close to getting a divorce. But when it's all said and done, I love my wife and our life together. There was a time when the idea that a couple could not have any sexual desire for each other and still be deeply in love with each other would have been a contradiction in terms, or at least the terms I'd be willing to accept, but it isn't any longer.
It's not an exaggeration to say I have gone through the stages of grief - denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance. I (mostly) no longer resent my wife's lack of sexual desire. She feels what she feels and, as much as it hurts, it is what it is. And I'm left to deal with it as best I can.
In one of our more heated moments on the topic I told her I had no intention spending the rest of my life celebrate. As has so often been the case in our past, her reply was, "Your needs are your problem." And that's pretty much where we left it.
Now, from time to time, I'll discreetly have a hook up with someone. If I was open about playing with others it would be the end of our marriage or, at the very least, the end of the harmony of our relationship. But lying and 'cheating' and sneaking around are not in my nature and the momentary enjoyment of getting naked with someone else is rarely worth the trade off of having to be 'that guy'.
So, in the end, we have a semi-unspoken don't ask don't tell arrangement which, on my end, has damn little to tell even if I was asked.
Not sure any of this answers the question. It certainly doesn't provide a solution. Or, perhaps, even hope. Sorry.
with wild sex acts to get them jump started back on track sexually.
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