Advice for a tough break-up...

My sister Sherry had been living with her partner Melinda for nearly 7 years. Several weeks ago Sherry called me and was crying her eyes out telling me that she and Melinda had a huge argument. I finally got her calmed down enough to tell me what happened.

Sherry said that for the past few months, Melinda had been lying about going to work and was not paying her share of the bills. Now my sis owns her own house, but their arrangement from the beginning was that, after Melinda moved in, they would split the utility bills, food, etc. It turned out that Melinda had been fired from her job and that she had started drinking heavily and was abusing other drugs. And she said that she suspected that she was seeing another woman.

My sis, being supportive but suspicious checked Melinda's phone and it turned out to be true... that she had found explicit sex messages from one of the women that Melinda worked with, and 'other things.' She didn't go into details about the other things, but I imagine they were probably sex or drug related. I asked her if she and Melinda had ever sought counseling? Sherry said they had talked about it, but in the end, Melinda refused to go.

I advised her to tell her girlfriend to either come clean or move out. Sherry did confront her (which was what led to their argument) and Melinda refused to admit anything. Melinda has since moved out.

I don't know how lesbian break-ups go, but this has been really hard on my sis. She feels guilty for kicking Melinda out. Now, I feel bad for her and am wondering if I did the right thing by advising her to get rid of her partner? I have met Melinda on several occasions and have always felt like she and my sis had a great relationship... not to mention that she is stunningly beautiful. I know my sister really loved her and is now feeling a huge sense of remoras.

I'm just wondering if anyone else on this site has ever experienced anything similar and what your advice would be?

I feel what your sister did as correct. If her partner had just told the truth about her job loss. . . . .

Also, when alcohol and drugs and then cheating are added to the mix, the outcome is never good for a relationship.

Your sister will get over it in time. Who knows, maybe another relationship is on the horizon for her.

Like any long relationship tough is a mild misnomer. While it can be like a less amiable divorce you eventually get over the self blame part and move on. The horizon always presents a new opportunity. Yes I'm currently single but after 70 years and plenty of experience the possibilities are endless. Best thing you can do is be supportive even if it is from a distance.

when it gets like that, rip the band aid off and move on

Lying, alcohol, and drug abuse? That in itself will destroy any relationship, and when you love and depend on someone who betrays you, makes life with that person unbearable and can be dangerous for you. It's a tough call, but you Sis did the right thing, and time will heal her pain. She'll be second-guessing herself for a while it's just part of the process. Her wounds will heal with time. Hopefully she has good friends to lean on and you too.

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Originally Posted by Jazminedress

when it gets like that, rip the band aid off and move on

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Everyone is sort of saying the same thing, but you brought it to a clear point. Thank you!

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Originally Posted by DD788Snipe

Lying, alcohol, and drug abuse? That in itself will destroy any relationship, and when you love and depend on someone who betrays you, makes life with that person unbearable and can be dangerous for you. It's a tough call, but you Sis did the right thing, and time will heal her pain. She'll be second-guessing herself for a while it's just part of the process. Her wounds will heal with time. Hopefully she has good friends to lean on and you too.

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I'll always be there for her. And all of the words you put into your message are true. That's what I've told her. Time does seem to heal all wounds.

If partner doesn't want help for her alcohol or drug abuse then there's not much else to be done -- drugs don't actually deal with root of the problem, they just temporarily numb the pain. It sucks, but I think she likely made the right decision.

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Originally Posted by csreef

I feel what your sister did as correct. If her partner had just told the truth about her job loss. . . . .

Also, when alcohol and drugs and then cheating are added to the mix, the outcome is never good for a relationship.

Your sister will get over it in time. Who knows, maybe another relationship is on the horizon for her.

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I'm happy that everyone is in a similar agreement. And I also told her that there are better days ahead. Thank you for responding.

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Originally Posted by elian2

If partner doesn't want help for her alcohol or drug abuse then there's not much else to be done -- drugs don't actually deal with root of the problem, they just temporarily numb the pain. It sucks, but I think she likely made the right decision.

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That's what I told her. It's okay to lose a job. Sometimes it happens. But I think she lost it due to her alcohol and drug abuse, but didn't want to admit it or take responsibility. That was my take. Melinda is a good person, just misguided. I know Sherry misses her, but at some point, you have to cut the cord.