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My late brother's birthday is in two days; I sometimes feel bad because some of my best memories of him are all the times we had sex, from the first time to the last time (and just a couple of days before he was murdered). His death doesn't torment me as much as it used to - he died in 1984 - but early in December, I remember him just the same and today is no different.

As adults, we'd been off and on lovers and to the point that if he was knocking on my door, it was a safe bet that he wasn't there to say hi or that something was wrong and he needed my help and this was kinda unlikely since we didn't really like each other all that much. Weird, right? So, one day, he comes knocking on my door and it was the first time in almost three years. It wasn't like I hadn't seen him before this moment because I would see him in passing, we'd wave at each other and keep on about our business. He's knocking, I see it's him and since it had been a long time since his last visit - and one where we had sex - I was really wondering why he was here because it couldn't be for that again.

I let him in and he's acting like he just saw me yesterday and that kinda pissed me off and I really did say, "Long time no see; so why are you here and what's so important that it took you almost three years to stop by?"

He's got this... snarky smile on his face and says, "Take a guess." He really doesn't want me to guess - he just said it because he knows it pisses me off to be asked to guess at something so, yeah, he's pushed this button and I bite back the urge to punch his lights out.

"Just tell me," I said and feeling a little defeated because he made me say this and, shit, he wins this one.

"Why else would I be paying you a visit?" he asks.

"The only time you come to see me is when you want to have sex," I said.

"Okay, then - so what's up?"

Ooh, I want to punch him so bad because he knows that no matter how I feel about him, I'm not going to tell him no but this time, I have a question for him: "Why are we still doing this? Aren't you getting dick from other guys?"

He's unfazed by my question and says, "Yeah, you know I am but when I need that good dick, I know who to get it from so... we gonna do this or what?"

Damn him and damn me, too. He knows I'm not going to turn him down and I know that I won't.

And the biggest task of all: Putting it all together and making sense of it. All of it. Digging and searching for the answers because I knew they were out there. Finding the answers. Being able to provide them to others. Being the science nerd I knew myself to be and knowing why a guy's cum can taste good and pretty horrible. Learning some shit about the chemistry in a woman's pussy that, yeah, if guys really knew about this, they wouldn't put their mouth on one, let along stick their dick in one. Learning about STDs or VD as we knew this nasty shit to be called. Learning to be smart enough to have avoided this particular pitfall and understanding how so many of my peers weren't so lucky in this.

Things like learning to trust my instincts more than what someone said. Indeed, learning why women didn't like having sex with guys and, sometimes, feeling some shame because I knew what they knew and, yeah, I'm a guy and it became important for me to learn how to not be THAT guy. Also learning how... insane women were about guys having sex with each other and not understanding that I suck dick for a lot of the same reasons they do. And at every turn, learning how... stupid we can be about having sex. And all the shit one can do in order to get the sex they want and need, up to and including cheating on your boy or girlfriend, husband or wife... and them cheating on you and all because they have a need for sex that wasn't being taken care of or couldn't be; like I told a woman, "Baby, I love you and I love having sex with you but when I need to suck a dick, you don't have one."

And them not understanding this. Being subjected to that damned double standard that STILL doesn't make a damned bit of sense. Once I started learning, I couldn't stop learning. I'm not an expert in these things and I don't pretend to be but... I know some shit because I had to learn it and I had to because, um, I love having sex. Men, women, doesn't matter. I learned to not be superficial; I learned that you cannot judge a book by its cover. I learned that just because it looks good doesn't mean the sex will be good. Indeed, I had sex with a lot of men and women because they were judged to be too ugly, fat, whatever other prejudices someone had that made having sex with them a deal-breaker... and learning that sex with these people was, more often than not, better because they had to work harder at sex than those who were good-looking and in great shape.

Learning that a huge dick is... just a huge dick. Been there. Conquered them. Guys have them. So what? I remember the smallest adult dick I've ever seen and had... and how much fun I had sucking it and to the point where the poor guy had to tap out because I couldn't get enough of sucking him. Also learning about the whole top and bottom thing. Learning and observing how all of this went from it being unmanly for men to have sex with each other to it being very manly and if you weren't down with it, well, you must be some kind of punk-assed bitch. Learning and seeing how men have gotten... weird about it over all these years. So much fear in them that is, on the one hand, understandable but on the other, yeah, doesn't make a lot of sense given that a lot of the things men are afraid of are things that one can do something about... if they used their intelligence and not let their fears dictate things.

And here I am, fifty-eight years after experiencing sex with a man, I am still very much in learning mode. Understanding that a lot of people feel sorry for me for having learned what I did and the way I did and me feeling sorry for them because they really don't seem to understand how this really works and that the rules... don't really mean a whole lot when you get right down to it. Learning that they do have a purpose and so do the laws that goes with these rules and... not everyone obeys them, and this disobedience isn't always in the "horrible way" we like to think it is. I learned that humans love and need to have sex and that we will do whatever we need to do in order to have it and be pretty damned creative when we do it. I learned the hypocrisy we've put in place in that it's good to have sex but wrong to have it in certain ways and people. It's okay for a woman to suck a guy off, bad for a guy to do it and... where's the real sense in this because sucking dick is... sucking dick and no matter who does it and the results are the same: It makes the guy being sucked cum. Just like it doesn't matter who's eating a woman's pussy as long as the person doing it makes them cum/orgasm and as much as they can handle.

Learning that it's not what you do that won't get you laid - it's what you won't do and learning that a lot of people have stupidly long lists of what they won't do and sometimes they won't do something because someone else told them a horror story about that time they did it and it was all kinds of fucked up. Yes, it does hurt having a dick pushed into your ass. Why would a guy want this to happen? Because it feels good - eventually. Guys have asked girls, "What does it feel like to be fucked?" and, well, if you really want to know... I know what it's like. Usually feels pretty good and depending on the guy the dick is attached to and, yeah, guys can be total assholes about (1) wanting to get their dick in you and (2) when they do get it in you. But, you take the good with the bad and you learn from it and the most important thing I learned is that just because it was "bad" that time doesn't mean it's going to be bad the next time - and even with the guy or girl who made it bad the first time.

And... I learned about myself. No inhibitions at all. A short list of things I won't do, like, having someone piss on me or if I'm sucking your dick, the cum goes in my mouth and never ever on my face because that's so demeaning and not all that different from someone spitting in your face. And, um, if it's on my face, it's not in my mouth so I can taste and swallow it. One of the joys of being fucked in the ass is being... inseminated and just like I've done to so many women. That pulling it out shit... defeats the purpose and steals the joy of being pumped full of cum.

I learned to be... fearless. Not care- or clueless. Fearless. Fear makes you not have sex. I remember being "way older" and talking to my sister about what we used to do - and it was the first time in like twenty years after we'd stopped having sex and the first time we talked about it since then. We talked about how good it was and how afraid we really were to get caught but not afraid to have sex with each other. I was... greatly surprised when she suggested that we do it one more time "for old time's sake" and... we did. She made me laugh when she said that she was glad to see how much better I'd gotten at eating pussy but made me feel so much more love for her when she said how comfortable she felt making love to me and... she had missed it. Told me about the many times she wanted to come to me for sex but was afraid to - and afraid that I'd turn her down.

And learning that one of the reasons why she wanted that one last time was because she was dissatisfied with the guy she was married to. I felt... honored that she chose to cheat on him with me but, of course, I was never going to tell him about it but you can bet that I couldn't look at him with a straight face afterwards. And... she wasn't afraid to have sex with me again. Said that it was stupid of her to be afraid and like she had been.

And me learning even more about this. All of it. The sadness I still feel from having sex with my brother and, days later, watching him die even as I did everything I could to save his life. How despite our not-so-loving relationship, neither of us had any fear of doing each other and showing our women how comfortable we were having sex with each other. Quite the turn-on for both of them as it turned out. But, more than anything else, this was just a part of what I learned about having sex and you can have it with anyone... if they want to and all the ruckus we make about sex and sexuality is just our fears doing a lot of talking and the best way to have sex is... to not be afraid to have sex. Or, yeah, fuck the rules.

Learned and understood. Zero shame about how I learned. And damned glad I did.

The joy of sucking a guy's dick. So good that even now, I have a very difficult time trying to put those feelings into words. Understanding that males have always been having sex with each other so my sucking a guy until he gave up his cum was... not the big deal everyone said it was. Finding the answer to The Question I had asked myself after that man introduced me to dick: How can something that everyone says is so bad feel so good?

And the answer was/is: It feels good... because it's supposed to. And learning how afraid a lot of people were of having sex. Some of those fears were real because they were experienced but a lot of them were... imagined. Handed down from parent to child. Being hammered into every- and everyone who went to church and being told about the sins of the flesh and how they were going to die and go to hell for indulging in them. That the punishment for disobeying the Word of God was... death. Notably, poor Onan, who got put to death because he wouldn't impregnate his dead brother's wife and like he was supposed to. He fucked her and before he came in her, he pulled out and, yes, spilled his seed upon the ground and lost his life behind it... and made people believe that masturbating was a sin and all kinds of crazy shit like it being a mental illness.

I guess I learned to be mentally ill the day a friend showed me how to get myself off. Just one more "piece of the sexual puzzle" I was putting together. The guys getting together and jerking off to see who could shoot the stuff the farthest and, again, how many time we could shoot before we couldn't do it anymore. Learning that while masturbating was fun - and it was fun to do it with another guy - it was way better to suck each other off and/or fuck each other... because, why not? Everyone else was doing it. And I was doing it every chance I got to. Understanding the shame being laid on girls for being "easy" and knowing that I was seriously easy. Just show me your dick and I'd start drooling and I'd want it in my mouth or in my ass. Having that happen and turning right around and have sex with a girl and one who had little or no shame about wanting to suck dick and be fucked.

Learning that people can be very stupid about having sex. Afraid to talk about it even in general terms. Being very surly about whatever they're doing being nobody's business. Learning about the sexual stereotypes like all Black men have big dicks and that we don't eat pussy and we're all homophobic. And learning that while there were some truth to the stereotypes, IT WASN'T THE WHOLE TRUTH. I knew I didn't have a really big dick. I sure as fuck ate pussy. And I'd have sex with a guy and not give it a second thought. The interracial thing? I knew why people were so goddamned weird and against not "staying with your own kind" and know that it was... bullshit. Yeah... white people and others who weren't Black were fun to have sex with but that made sense because sex is supposed to be fun and, besides - they had less hang-ups about having sex than my own people had.

I understood the drive and need to have sex and I learned that there are rules about this... and they weren't always being obeyed. I would see the best and the very worse of it. Incest was the very dirty secret a lot of families had, and I knew why it was and I also knew that as long as nothing "bad" happened, well, okay, because it was happening anyway and not many of us were bothered by it because it was "everywhere."

I remember the one friend I had whose mom was an alcoholic. She'd get drunk and he had to fuck her and when he told me this, I didn't really believe him but I was with him one day when she got drunk and told him it was time... and that I could fuck her, too. Was I scared? You bet I was! But I did it anyway and who knew that grown-up pussy tasted and felt so damned good? Well, my friend knew it. And now I did. I... understood how booze can make someone do... some stuff and stuff that they wouldn't do if they weren't drunk. I kept his secret. I kept the secret of all the kids who were finding out that incest wasn't really as bad as everyone said it was. Sadly, one of my friends got killed because of this. I knew he was fucking his sister because we'd often get together because she loved sucking and fucking both of us. Their father found out - caught them having sex - and beat his son to death. I would later learn that he was fucking her, too, and didn't like the fact that his son was also fucking her, got jealous and in his drunken rage, killed his son.

Caused quite the buzz in the neighborhood. Another man got his daughter pregnant. I knew my father was fucking my sister because she told me that she waited until he was good and drunk before asking him to fuck her. I kept this secret, too. Indeed, because none of us were supposed to even know anything about sex, let alone being up to our eyeballs doing it, a lot of secrets were kept. The thrill of knowing that we shouldn't be doing this made doing it even more exciting... and the mere thought of getting caught, as we now say, kicked it up more notches. No one wanted to and those who did, well, it sucked to be them and their punishments were... terrible.

I got caught fucking my brother. Got a lecture about that and one I will never, ever forget. But the lecture taught me something, too. Well, a couple of things, actually. The first was that our mother knew my brother and I were having sex and decided to put a stop to it. The second was that our mother believed in some stuff that I was learning not to be the whole truth about having sex. I was sure that she knew I was having sex but she didn't know what I was really learning about it and I very much remember how... pissed off I was at my parents because they didn't tell me the truth about having sex but I would learn that... they weren't really allowed to. They feared that if they told me the truth, I'd run right out and have sex but, of course, what they probably didn't know was that this train had already left the station because I had to learn the truth on my own... and learn by doing it. All of it. Sex in the way that grown people fantasize about. If there was a way to do, I knew about it because I did it. Usually more than once in most situations.

Having sex with two girls? Just another Saturday. Two boys? Old news. A free-for-all kind of orgy? Sure. Gangbang? Yep. Two guys and a girl? Par for the course. And all before we were teenagers. Sucking dick and swallowing cum, along with eating pussy, were both very useful skills to learn and master because those who did these things got laid... and those who didn't, not so much. The senses of joy, pride, and love to hear my sister tell me that she liked having sex with me more than she did with other guys... and a few girls. Feeling some kind of way to have girls tell me that my sister was better at eating their pussies. I wasn't bad... but I could learn to be better and I had no shame or ego issues having them teach me how to eat them and make them cum over and over. Sucking a guy off was... easy, for the most part but I was learning some stuff about that, too, and some of it wasn't what I'd call good.

And understanding that when it comes to having sex, you take the good with the bad and you learn from all of it. The ongoing fact that it was easier to get a guy to agree to have sex than it was a girl. Girls... had issues. From being traumatized to believing in the fairy tale that they were told about love and sex and finding out the truth of things and usually the hard way, which made having sex with them a very difficult thing to do. But, that was okay because there was ALWAYS a guy who wanted to have sex with me. My own age and, yes, older men, too, and men who were having their own difficulties having sex with women. Knowing, realizing, and understanding that I was fair game where gay men were concerned, too, but that made sense since they liked guys way more than they did girls - and I knew why they didn't like girls, from being traumatized by girls to a parent making them be the female child they wished they'd gotten but didn't. How a guy with a lot of sisters could be made into a girl. And, yeah, how funny they could be about having sex.

I was learning that just when I thought I'd seen it all, I really didn't - there was so much to this sex thing that my bisexuality was allowing me to see and experience.

In the space of two short years, I learned some shit about sex that, well, I wasn't supposed to learn. Girls weren't all that yucky. Boys do have sex with other boys. Eating pussy is fun! Having sex with my sister and brother... just made sense even though I knew that our parents would do horrible things to me if they found out and I'd be blamed for it because I was the oldest and they wouldn't accept that my having sex with them was their idea.

I quickly learned how funny girls were about who got to do it to them. I knew why but I didn't like it but that was okay because being able to have sex with a guy was so much easier. I learned how to suck dick really good and I learned the "tricks" to be able to take dicks of all sizes in my butt and that even though it was very wrong for an adult to have sex with a kid, it didn't stop them from doing it and I loved the rush of sucking their dick and tasting their jizz and how it hurt but felt good to feel them pressing as much of their dick into my ass as they could without causing me any damage... and shooting jizz in me and, of course, a lot more than my male peers were capable of.

I learned how to have sex. In spectacular and, yes, embarrassing fashion looking back as an adult. And I was learning much more than that. Like there was a word for someone who had sex with both boys and girls: Bisexual. If learning about sex was the rush to end all rushes, learning that there was a word for what I'd been doing was an even bigger rush but one that came with even more questions than the ones I'd already been pondering and seeking the answers for and more so when it was 100% clear that the worst person in the world that you could be was... a homosexual. Learning what the word meant. Being intelligent enough to be able to put it all together. Understanding that I wasn't a homosexual but, boy, did I ever love having sex with guys! Loved it even more with girls but, yeah, they were very afraid of getting pregnant and many of them didn't want sperm in their mouth or their butt and... that sucked.

But there was always a guy who wanted to do it. Always. Learning that what we were doing wasn't the only place where boys were doing it to boys. In a time where racial tensions were very high, I learned that whites really weren't all that different from me. I learned cultural differences that shocked me because white kids behaved in ways that I wouldn't dare do, like, talking back to my parents and even cussing at them! But I learned that they, too, liked having sex and they were... less afraid of doing it and didn't much care if they got caught doing it.

Eighty percent of what I learned about sex was learned before I was 13. I knew what to do. How to do it. Learning why I shouldn't have been fucking my sister because she could get pregnant - and her telling me that as long as that didn't happen, she didn't see what the problem was... and I didn't either. Having sex with my brother was both a joy and a pain but while guys were going through that period - The Drought - I didn't have that problem because I could get laid and didn't even have to leave home to do it. This was... good and bad at the same time. I... understood it. Damned near all of it. I didn't realize it then but I would keep learning about having sex and why the world was so... funny about it. Understanding that the man who introduced me to sex with guys legally abused me and understanding that I didn't feel abused at all. I actually thank the man for bribing me so he could get off because it made me learn some very important shit that wasn't just having sex and getting filled up with cum... or being the one doing the filling.

In rapid succession, I first learned how to put my dick in a girl's pussy. I remember those first, strange, and wonderful feelings being inside of her and what I would eventually learn was those first tingles of orgasm that also felt strange, kinda scary, but felt good just the same. Then I learned about having a dick in my mouth and tasting cum and, hmm, I wasn't sure what this stuff was in my mouth but it tasted kinda sweet, kinda salty and there was a lot of it and I just... swallowed it. It was fucking amazing and so was feeling him squirting his cum between my butt cheeks and even getting some of it in me and I would later understand that it happened because he was oozing so much pre-cum and I was so relaxed that he pushed a little of the head of his dick in me when it came. Having felt it pumping in my mouth was quite the strange experience and so was feeling it between my butt cheeks.

The sex thing I was told to not even think about was da shit to end all shits. I was already hooked on being able to stick my dick inside a girl and now, this. Couldn't wait to tell my male friends about it and was kinda surprised that a couple of them already knew about this but that was fine and those who didn't know - but wanted to - found out in short order. None of us could shoot what we called the "baby making stuff" but we quickly figured out that (1) it felt wonderful to have someone sucking our dick and just as wonderful sticking it in someone's butt - and after we figured out that Vaseline, baby oil, lotion, and even the hair grease our mothers would pack onto our head did a great job of us being able to get our dicks into each other's ass holes... and quickly learning to keep it clean, too.

Cumming for the first time. Scary as fuck. Scarier than being hit by a car. Learning that I shouldn't have been able to do that when I did and just before I officially turned nine. The mad rush to tell all of my friends that I could shoot the stuff - and finding out that the girl I shot mine into had already told everyone. No matter. Boys and girls wanted me to shoot my stuff in them. Mouths. Asses. Pussies. For about six months, I was the most popular guy on the block and the one guy everyone wanted to do it with and then feeling kinda sad when the other guys finally caught up and could shoot - but that was okay, too, because I loved it when they'd shoot in my mouth and ass and more than once. Having contests to see how many times someone could shoot before not being able to. There were always winners and "no losers" all that much.

I remember the first girl who sucked me off. I remember telling her that I was gonna shoot because other girls had told me that I'd better tell them that I was going to do that - or else. I told her and... she didn't stop and I came in her mouth and immediately got "scared" because most of the girls didn't like how it felt and tasted. But she liked it. She wanted more of it in her mouth. Girls were learning, too. If they wanted to keep their cherry - and they had to - sucking me off or letting me fuck them in the ass were the things that had to be done but as we all got older, girls got... stingy. Less interested in doing the nasty and some said that it was... safer for them to do to another girl.

That's about the time, in the tenth year of my birth, I learned about eating pussy and how to do it. I remember almost throwing up on my sister's pussy because having my face down there was so damned weird. I remember that first lick and taste. How she smelled. The look on her face when I slid my tongue along her slit and came in contact with her "little man in the boat" and how she said it felt good... and I'd better do it again and keep doing it. I remember her sucking me off right after she said that she couldn't take anymore of me licking and sucking on her pussy. I remember the look she got on her face when I told her I was going to shoot and she didn't stop - and she told me later that she didn't stop because she wanted to know why some girls liked having the stuff in their mouth and why some girls hated it. I'll never forget that look of her thinking about if she liked it or not.

Then fucking her because... it just made sense to and, well, she insisted on it because she decided that she didn't like the taste of my stuff and it was better for me to shoot it in her pussy... after I licked and sucked it again, of course.

This happened many yrs ago in collage, I was 20 or so and very sexually active with both sexes. The winter of 1983 was brutal and snowy. It seemed no one wanted to travel so my buddy and room mate asked me if I wanted to attend and all male sex party, fuck yea I said. Once we arrived there were 8 guys sitting around drinking beer and smoking pot. My buddy introduced me to everyone and they seemed like cool guys. After a few beers and a few tokes we started feeling frisky, out came the cocks and I was immediately hard as a rock. One guy stood up and said well let?s see how the new guy handles a dick, he shoved it so far into my throat I gagged but like a champ I let him fuck my face. He didn?t cum yet but let others enjoy my oral skills. By now all of were naked and everybody was sucking cock, as I was on my knees I felt a dick trying to enter my ass, whoe buddy you need a condom on, not a fucking condom was there. A bigger guy took me and laid me on my belly closed my legs lubed up my crack and started pounding my ass crack as the head of his cock bounced off my balls, felt pretty erotic and he squirted a huge load of warm cum all over my balls and ass. Fuck that was awesome. By the time 4 others did the same thing I had a mouthful of warm seman and my ass and balls were covered in the creamy mess. After everyone had cummed and one of them got me off, one guy stood up and slapped my ass and said congratulations you passed our initiation. You are welcome anytime. The next morning it was still well below zero and windy as all hell, so we all decided to shower and play for the rest of the weekend. Too this day I have never had so much sexual enjoyment than I did that weekend during a blizzard. When ever I think about it I get all horned up and wish I could relive that weekend. I sucked so many dicks my throat was raw. Once my room mate / fuck buddy went back to our place we were in the shower and he wanted my ass, he was the only one in those days I would let bareback me. And yes if you are wondering he blew a nice load deep in my man pussy. That was almost 40 yrs ago, we still meet up from time to time and play.

Please share your awesome experiences.

Through all of this, the one question I've been asked has been, "What do you get out of being fucked in the ass?" and that's because it "doesn't make sense" to a lot of people and it's not easy for me to explain other than it's part of having sex with guy that I know I enjoy. I like feeling a guy on top of me and feeling him inside of me and the best part for me is... when he cums. Sure, I've had my prostate get involved and that produces some pretty incredible feelings and in this, I was totally baffled when a guy was fucking me and... I came but my dick wasn't hard. What the fuck was up with that? Well, that's when I found out about the prostate gland and the role it plays in us cumming and, well, hmm, if it gets poked the right way and enough, it's very possible to ejaculate without having an erection and even if nothing cums out, it's one hell of an orgasm.

Being fucked just... feels right. Normal. So enjoyable and more so with "the right guy" and, no, I still don't understand exactly what that means to me, and I've pretty much given up trying to figure it out. I just know it when he's the right guy and the one I want in me and busting a nut and the sooner he does it, the better it is for me. Yeah, it makes me feel... girly but I learned a long time ago to just go with the feeling and to not be disturbed by it - and like I did when that guy was trying to get me pregnant. There's an... indescribable joy in being fucked and, for me, it's not about "being girly" or submissive or "taking it like a man" but it is all about enjoying sex with a man and in a way I like enjoying it... and like I grew up learning to enjoy.

I know the answer to the question some guys tend to ask women: What does it feel like to be fucked? And I understand why a lot of women tend to say, "It feels good!" because there aren't any words that can really speak to how it really feels. I'd rather suck dick than to be fucked but when I want and need to be fucked, that's what I want and need. That and it's sex... and I sure as hell love having sex.