Overstayed....How do you say..GO HOME?

[onewhocares]

My mom has been staying with us since late April when she started chemotherapy for Non Hodgkin's Lymphoma. She is really one of the lucky ones to have discovered it very very early and the small spot was removed in February. As a precaution my mom underwent only three rounds of chemo and then fourteen radiation sessions ending in September. While my mom and I have had an OK relationship over the years, now that she is living with us..the strain of having her here twenty four seven is beginning to take its toll on MY family. She has lived alone in her very cluttered home for six years since my dad died suddenly after my brothers wedding. Little by little over the months she has turned our guest room into a little version of her home.

OK, I know that I am very anal retentive above clutter and such, organization of belongings and try to be on time for appointments and commitments after spending most of my years at home with my parents since before I was married living in a home that was total opposite.

My mom now is able to be up and out on her own and every once in a while will go back to her home to get more stuff to bring here. She has regained her strength and for the most part is back to pre cancer living.....just waiting for her hair to grow back.

I love my mom, I really do. But the longer she stays with us, the more anxious and frustrated I become. She finds fault with most of what I do...from wasting food...those odd tidbits that are left after dinner, to using too much detergent and fabric softener when I do the laundry, to leaving lights on in the house. I have three brothers and one sister who have done nearly nothing to help in the last six months. My mother in law who lives with us (in a separate apt) has helped as has our daughter.

I am not known for my tact and patience.....I was wondering if you all could help me with some suggestions as to how I might be able to ease my mom back into her own home. I am hoping that she might be going to her winter home in Naples, Florida after the holidays. I do not want to seem like an auger, but it is becoming an issue...I find myself more stressed, drinking more and hiding in my bedroom more and more.

Thank you for you advice and perhaps personal experiences.

Belle

[by~his~side]

I'd make her some macaroni and cheese.
Works everytime.

[eddy10]

As an initial move, I would start by talking about her 'usual' trip to Naples. Then, slipping into the question of asking when she will be headed down there. If that does not work. On to plan B which I have not thought of yet. BTW, we visit Naples about once a year ... nice.

[johnnyeasy]

Breathe deep........remember something I once learned in a LIFESAVING class from the Red Cross: You are on a shoreline at a beach or lake.......someone starts to flail in the water ....the very nfirst thing you do is STOP to think....CAN I rescue this person? In our class he pointed to a freshmen girl, about 4' 9" ....then asked if she could rescue a 6'5" linebacker , maybe who was intoxicated, that was sitting in the class with us.......
His point is.......sometimes the rescue can get the rescuer in more trouble then the rescuee is in......Did I say that right?

Okay.....so.....BREATHE ....and take it slow.....she moved in slowly...so your plan "a" should be to move her out slowly!
Come up with a spur of the moment plan to take a mini vacation, together ,
in FLORIDA...near or at her house...go down there, talk up the place.....maybe she will take the hint...maybe she will want to stay.
Then, while you are down there, sugest she stay down for a while, while you go back to boston....leaving the window for her to visit.......
Then......come up with an idea where she visits your other siblings.....don't ask them up front...let your mom do that....
Can't tell you it will work, but remember.....you are doing this for self preservation.....you ALREADY helped her...now yoiu HAVE to help yourself!
Good Luck! and remember.......BREATHE!
JE

[mikey3000]

You do realize what the problem is, right? Your mom is lonely. I have my mom living with us just for that reason, plus her health issues too. And I know how hard it is, especially the constant criticism. You have my sympathy. But I can't have my mom leave. She needs the constant care and protection from my crazy sister. I wish you good luck, Belle.

[rissababynta]

Your mother has cancer and has it worse than you do!

Why do you want to kick her out?

She said that her mom is doing better now. She didn't say that she had a desire to kick her out while she was still ill.

[onewhocares]

Your mother has cancer and has it worse than you do!

Why do you want to kick her out?

I DO NOT want to kick her out...perhaps you misread my comments. She is fine. Actually better than ever because the chemo improved her RA. At most she has a stylish new short short haircut.

Belle

[TwylaTwobits]

Belle, I sympathize....like others said just start mentioning how nice it would be in Naples and talking about the trip that she might not have planned yet. Subtlety might work, if it doesn't a flat out.... "Mom, I love you, it's been great having you here, but I want you to go home while I still like you", might be in order.

Good luck

[Realist]

My God! My mother is still alive and living in Boston!

I understood that she is now fine, but is infringing upon your patience, privacy and peace of mind.

Belle, the Idea about Naples sounds good to me. However, if your mother is as good about taking hints as mine was, this ain't gonna be easy!

On top of that, your brothers and sisters, who have done nothing so far, may think you're an ogre for attempting to move her back home, Naples, or in with them!

If you subtle hints and suggestions don't work, there could come a time when you will have to say, "Mom, you're well now, doing good, feeling fine....it's time for you to go home! I'm sorry, but I need my privacy and tranquility, Good bye!"

I just thought of something: A person who has always been a bitch, is just a bitch....nothing more is expected from them. But a person who has always been accommodating, helpful, tender-hearted and self-sacrificing...when they finally dig their heels in and demand something...they are THE NEW BITCH! It's a big shock to see someone, who has always been the one everyone relied upon, finally stand up for their own desires and needs!

Can you accept that, if you finally have to be demanding to get her to move out?

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

My Sweet Belle, I personally know what its like to have cared for a parent with cancer, and its not easy. Mine wasnt as lucky as yours.....:(

Now that shes back on her feet, you should sit down with her and gently go "Mom, now that you are better, we need to think about getting you back home. We'll help you get back and help you get re-settled then go from there"

Be tactful, patiant, diplomatic, and firm. Dont back down, just say "I love you, but its time"
Good luck Sweets. :}
Cat

[fredtyg]

Now that shes back on her feet, you should sit down with her and gently go "Mom, now that you are better, we need to think about getting you back home. We'll help you get back and help you get re-settled then go from there"
Cat

These are horribly difficult situations (my wife also has non- hodgkins lymphoma and had a bone marrow transplant). I would say, as a last resort, you'll have to do something along the line of what Cherokee and Realist have suggested. It's tough, but there may be no way around it. Go ahead and try hinting and maybe a trip to near her home, as has been suggested, but she may not want to leave.

Another option, albeit problematic, is maybe finding her another home near yours. She is probably extremely lonely as many old folks are. It might not be so hard to get her to move out if she is closer to family.

It doesn't get any better. Wait until you have to force her into moving into an assisted living home if she gets to the point you can't take care of her. My wife is dealing with a friend of hers she had to get to move out of the apartment she lived in for decades and her friend did not want to move. Since my wife has power of attorney for her friend, she just told her friend that she had to move. End of discussion. Getting old sucks.