Sex vs Relationship

[TheBisexualProfessor]

OK, in the ongoing effort to bring our marital fantasy to reality (her watching me with another guy), there is hurdle that I should have seen coming but that I'm just getting to comprehend fully. She's not too worried about the sex part and is truly looking forward to it. But she's worried I'll decide to move out, live with a guy, and abandon her. Where do we go from here?

[FalconAngel]

The critical thing to to make sure that you don't do that, of course, but mostly she needs reassurance that this will not happen.

Make sure that she knows in her heart that you and she will not be split up by some other guy. Make sure that she knows in her heart that you love her and that is not going to change.

She needs to know that, which is why she is concerned.

Let's face it; how many times have we all heard the story of some guy who came out to his wife and left for another man.

Realistically, it can happen, but my suspicion is not that the guy was Bi, but he was closeted, gay and faking it for the purpose of maintaining an image of "normality".
That kind of thing has been happening less and less since it became more socially acceptable to be Gay, so fewer guys are "faking it" for social acceptance than there used to be.

Above all, be honest with her about how you feel. Both about her and about him and your encounters. Because deceptions can be deadly wounds to a relationship.

[Biboz49]

Falcon is right and keep the communication going so she knows how you feel. We are open, honest and never hide anything from each other. As well we've set limits that we both follow. It works very well for us. ;)

[JP1986UM]

I think communication is so key here. My own spouse freaked out early on when I mentioned even going to a group therapy session, but now encourages me to go, knowing they are not pickup sessions but mental health necessary when you are gay/bi and in a mixed marriage.

I think the persons who sneak around and such actually wind up having tremendous problems because they are lying from the get go.

Honesty and a sincere desire to communicate are so critical to any marriage. Our types demand it. Heterosexual marriages, most of them anyway, just devolved because the spark that caused them to fall in love wanes when they don't even talk about the most important of things. The little one's will build up and start to gnaw away at the fabric of their relationship.

Our sex life is better than ever, but our marriage is stronger because we talk.

[alegrias]

I'm in a similar situation with my husband. I just keep telling him, and showing him, how much I love him. The more your spouse feels loved, appreciated, and satisfied, the easier it is for the trust to remain strong. As the others have said, honest, open communication is also critical.

[BareHunter45]

OK, in the ongoing effort to bring our marital fantasy to reality (her watching me with another guy), there is hurdle that I should have seen coming but that I'm just getting to comprehend fully. She's not too worried about the sex part and is truly looking forward to it. But she's worried I'll decide to move out, live with a guy, and abandon her. Where do we go from here?

Dear Professor,

Having come out to my wife a couple of years ago, I had the same problem. She did not understand that bi is category different from gay, lesbian or straight. She honestly thought that someone who was bi, was actually gay and had not come out of the closet, or was in ythe process of "turning gay". Let me digress for a moment...

I hate the connotation "bi" as I do not believe it is an accurate term. The reason is that, it is pretty obvious that if you are heterosexual you are attracted to members of the opposite sex. If you are gay, then you are attracted to member of the same sex. But if you are labeled as "bi" it supposedly means that you like members of both sexes, men and women equally.

I do not... I love women...I love the way they smell, looks, shapes, and (usually) the way they act. I love having relationships with women. I ike being married to a woman and the type of relationship that I have with my wife. I can feel a passion for her that I would NEVER feel for a man. I love to kiss women and truely make love to them, especially my wife.

However, I do not have anyway near the same feelings for a man, nor do I beleive I could. I like spending time with male friends, fishing, hunting, exploring etc, but in no way do I want to live with a man in the same way that I do with a woman. I have no desire to kiss a man, or to make love to him. Candidly...I just enjoy sucking a cock once in a while. I especially like having a man suck mine. As I told my wife: What difference does it make on the sex (or the genitals between the legs) of the person sucking your cock...it feels the same (skip the debate on which gender does it better please).

So, now ack to my point. I spent a great deal of time ensuring my wife that I was not goingto leave. I am not gay...have no desire for arelationship with a man the same way I do wih a woman and she will not be replaced nor am I entertaining or even desire to have that same type of relationship that I have with her with a man. I have no desire to kiss him or fall in love with him. The only thing I want, is the same thing she does (remeber we are swingers...sorta) and she enjoys sucking cock, not falling in love with them...I like the same thing...to suck a cock for the sake of enjoying it. I love her and I am not leaving. If (god forbid) something happened to her...I wwould be looking for another woman not a man. That gave her the assurance that she could complete. Meaning that tghe palying field was level. If I strayed she would be competing woman vs woman, not a woman vs man (which is like comparing apples and oranges).

So...it took a while for her to understand that. Periodic reassurance and a consitent message and she has fully accepted this. She lets me "go play" when I have the urge, she just wants to know what I am doing, and she loves playing with me. We have had threesomes as well and she really enjoys it.

So...I hope this sharing helped. Won;t work for everybody as foremost you must have an open and undertsnding wife (and lots and lots of time and patience)...and I have a truely wonderful woman here.

Sounds like you do too...give her time. There is no substitute for it...be patient.

Good Luck!

Bill

[talking2trees]

My husband had similar fears every time I chose to explore relationships outside of our primary one. And here's what we've found: when I come back to the marriage after having been with another partner, I find that I actually appreciate and love my spouse MORE than before, because he trusts and loves me enough to let me go and be myself and pursue the passion I have for another person. I have found that any encounter outside the marriage has always contributed to the strengthening of it. It's a very interesting side effect!

Could the possibility happen that you could fall in love with someone else and leave the marriage? Sure. But as long as both of you have the same priority to put your relationship first, and it is on a strong foundation of trust, love, and completely open and honest communication, then I can't see how you could possibly be tempted away!

- Cristi

[PearlGirl]

I think folks have given some great advice here Professor. I would recommend getting a copy of the book "The Ethical Slut". I wish I had made sure some of my partners had read the book before we had an open relationship. It would've saved a lot of heartache and misunderstanding. The book really covers everything a couple (or individual) should know before heading out into the world to live out their fantasies.:compuser:

[stargazer]

Everyone has given great advise here, having some experience in this I would agree that honest communication is the key, and you must always show her you love her deeply. there will be time when she will question you with the same questions, even after you feel you have answered them and reassured her, you must be patience and understanding and keep reassuring her with love.

There will be times when she will be reassuring you she loves you....

Pearl Thanks for the advice on the book ethical slut I will be purchasing it for sure for some insight Thank you

Stargazer

[45&424u]

This was one of our fears we both had when we started talking about exploring our bi side. that is the key, talk and talk to get everything out there. we both know it is just sex and fucking with an outside person and nothing more. In a healthy relationship one must trust what the other is saying and doing. how can you not trust one that is open, willing to explore, enjoy and share what life has to offer.

[putinpop]

Have you given her any indication that this may happen ? It's all about communication and her assurance that you love her and that this is just exploration and not looking for replacements.


Just our :2cents: :)