If someone said they were you friend but stopped retuning contact would you dis them?

[miamiuu]

I had this on and off friendship and we werent extremely close but he called me his friend so I figured cool. He told me he socialized a lot through email which im fine with. I also knew him in person. so we did some chatting in email. Well I fell ill for like 6months and this person just stopped returning my emails so I sent a somewhat not nice email saying if you are not going to bother returning the emails i send you politely tell me to fuck off. I havent received a response back nor expect one.

For everyone else do you all actually confront people in situations like this, or just write them off?

[royalistusa]

This happens to me all of the time and I personally hate it. Pleople contact me and then after awhile they just disappear and never clue you in as to why.

Even on this website this occurs. I never dis anyone but I will say this I sure wish I could meet people as open minded as myself who didn't manipulate people emotionally.

[vittoria]

I never dis anyone but I will say this I sure wish I could meet people as open minded as myself who didn't manipulate people emotionally.

i wholeheartedly agree. i just chalk it up to maybe the individual in question is socially retarded and move on. My :2cents:

[Bluebiyou]

I lean the other way.
Expectations are the death of a relationship.
I think a friend is someone you can start a conversation with, be interrupted, and pick up the conversation 10 years later where you left off.
A co-dependent contract, however obliges each party to help the other; usually with a spiderweb of complexities... if... when... but... manipulations... etc.
Loving people love (action/decision/verb) of free will. Anything truly given has no strings attached.
I can throw a ball to someone many times. If they throw it back, then I may choose to stay. We might have fun playing catch. They might move on, I might move on.
"Hey, you're supposed to play catch with me." is an expectation.
"Hey, you're supposed to have sex with me." is an expectation.
Expression of love/friendship must be free will, or it is merely a co-dependent contract.

There's nothing wrong with a co-dependent contract (like marriage), as a matter of fact, marriage is a very high calling, the highest form of a loving relationship between two people (yes it is subject to all forms of abuse, but...).

I don't mean to dis anyone by stating this. I'm a firm believer in this stated principle about expectations.

[Toad82]

I lean the other way.
Expectations are the death of a relationship.
I think a friend is someone you can start a conversation with, be interrupted, and pick up the conversation 10 years later where you left off.
A co-dependent contract, however obliges each party to help the other; usually with a spiderweb of complexities... if... when... but... manipulations... etc.
Loving people love (action/decision/verb) of free will. Anything truly given has no strings attached.
I can throw a ball to someone many times. If they throw it back, then I may choose to stay. We might have fun playing catch. They might move on, I might move on.
"Hey, you're supposed to play catch with me." is an expectation.
"Hey, you're supposed to have sex with me." is an expectation.
Love/friendship must be free will, or it is merely a co-dependent contract.


I don't mean to dis anyone by stating this. I'm a firm believer in this stated principle.




Very well said!

[miamiuu]

I'm not psycho and i'm low maintenance. I maybe emailed the person once a month for the past 5 months and you are telling me my "friend" has no time to respond in 5 months. Naah I dont accept that excuse. For one who leaves someone hanging in limbo like that. Its pure bs and the person should be called out for it. Especially if the person can see that you emailed them repeatedly. There should be a point where the person tells you to take a hike if they arent going to take the time to respond.

[Bluebiyou]

I'm not psycho and i'm low maintenance. I maybe emailed the person once a month for the past 5 months and you are telling me my "friend" has no time to respond in 5 months. Naah I dont accept that excuse. For one who leaves someone hanging in limbo like that. Its pure bs and the person should be called out for it. Especially if the person can see that you emailed them repeatedly. There should be a point where the person tells you to take a hike if they arent going to take the time to respond.

You're absolutely correct in that it would be polite for the other person to make a termination response, but at this point, do you really need it?

On the other hand, if the person was consumed by a situation or incident (torrid love affair or hit by a bus), wouldn't it be better to just leave it (your relationship) lie as is? If the guy/girl comes around later and you're still available, things might take off.
Yes, it hurts if your feelings got strong but to this other person, you never really passed the stage of a 'dating interest/possibility'.
You don't need to wait for this person and s/he doesn't have to wait for you.

But you are right in that it would be much nicer if more people knew better manners.

[void()]

A bit of :2cents: from a passer by that has seen both sides.

Someone may be an introspective personality type. No, this isn't an excuse. It is simply framing some explanation.

There are times, as an introspective person, I do not reply to folks. This is something I do off line as well as on. Fortunately, the company I keep are usually other introspective people. They understand a need to step back, go off into self imposed exile a bit.

Something may have struck me odd. Anything said or done, or nothing said or done. Introspective types are critical thinkers and prone to extreme fits of analyzing. This may or may not have anything to do with the current present situation, friend/s, lovers. They just need a 'moment' to focus or regroup.

And introspective folks also tend to figure everyone is like them. In that assumption they often forget about manners because if you're like them, you'll understand what's going on. So we, as introspective louts, often start a sentence ...

Then a decade could pass, a thousand years, a minute, and someone else might ... give the sentence or thought a completion. Or the originator may pick it back up, expounding on it. My wife although she's introspective too, is driven mad by me at times. I'll go to say something, pause and then go on to something else. Later she'll ask "so then on that issue you were ..."

"Sorry, wasn't finished. I think ... about that issue."

Or she cuts me off, knowing I'll finish later, or thinking I've already thought it out and concluded in similar fashion to her conclusion/s. Then later I chime in, "wasn't finished, thank you. Here's my view on that issue ...".

Apologies, I just found the font gadget for the posts. I love Courier because I write. For the longest time Courier was a publishing industry standard for manuscripts. Now we've got Times New Roman and it is supposed be so much better.

Something else introverted louts are infamous for is curiosity stemming from high intelligence. This in turns leads to becoming restless, do not want to say bored but yes we get bored quickly. We explore in order to learn, understand and try passing that on to others. Sometimes the others can not or will not 'get it'. This can be frustrating And at that point, do manners really matter?

Sure we could be more diplomatic perhaps. But if you are not being that yourself, should we bother?

On the other side, now. Yes I think it is impolite to not respond to friends. I also think expecting friends to reply, insta-magically is impolite. Give folks a few days, maybe a week. Then follow up with a polite, "oh hey, you fall off the planet?"

Give them the ball without any pressure. After that give them about three days. Then don't worry over it. If it's meant for them to respond they will. Sometimes it's also a matter of "I didn't see where any response was needed. You're my friend, thought you'd be aware of my feelings/thoughts on the issue."

So, no I don't 'dis' folks for not replying. I once got a reply back from a guy after four months. It turns out it took him that long to build a gay pay per view porn site, and his email reply was simply a note saying I ought to visit his site and give him my credit card number. Silly me thought our conversation was actually human in nature. You live and learn.

Elian, honey, if you send me to a porn site I'll still love you. I might look at you funny a moment, but hey. :) No, I don't suspect that of you. What I do suspect of you is a plot you have regarding a cuddle fest.

There's no point to rudeness, I guess is what I'm saying. Both sides can be rude, making it difficult to wield the Solomon sword.

[darkeyes]

Nope..ya don dis em..who knos wy sum 1 don get bak 2 ya?? ya mite give em rite bollokin wenya c em for worryin the hell outa ya..an mayb wen they tellya the reason ya mite hav reason 2 hav anotha go.. but wenya lose touch an dunno wy?? Naaa thats jus stupid an vindictive..

[angelrose1955]

I have had two very dear friends disappear on me like this...Without a trace...no explanation why. Both were gone for at least 6 months, and I am very close to each of them.
I didn't write them off tho for I was certain that something had happened. ...which it had...to each.
One never knows in the world of internet connections just what is going on on the other side of the screen...life happens...and although it broke my heart to think I had lost these two, I never gave up hope.
There was a third that disappeared on me and has never returned. I still keep his email address in my book, and his IM icon is still on my list...but unfortunately I haven't heard from him in over a year now...the ones that have disappeared...it is so out of character for them...we were communicating on a daily basis...so it was very unusual not to hear from them. This last one, I am sur that something drastic has happened to him for before shameless, he and I had connected and were planning on well...let's just say we were close...very close. I miss him a lot, but my philosophy is...things happen for a reason...if he hadn't left...I would have never met the love of my life...
Don't dis the ones that disappear on you...for one never knows what life has in store for either of you.
Who knows what will come of his disappearance...just cherish the time you had together and the universe will let you know what it has in store
AngelRose

[eddy10]

The internet and "real" life contacts are both a lot like poker. You have to know when to hold them and know when to fold them. I say fold them and go on the the next shuffle.

[miamiuu]

I just dont think like some posters here. One or two months no contact im cool with because everyone has lives. Also for those that say they stay friends with people if neither of you bother contacting each other than what it supposed to happen. Magic supposed to bring you back together? I see some of that way of thinking as control issues and some one just maybe being selfish and only contacting you when they want to and not care if you contact them. Also if this person is a friend of yours and you have a problem with the way they are behaving when socializing with you you should be able to tell them. I had to get it out of my system because sometimes we go to the same night clubs or music events and I dont want to have it all stored up if I happen to see them.

Also its come to a point for me when I do socialize with this person I feel like he is socially leading me on. I dont even mean get busy type. Just feels like he will be sociable a lot for a period of time and then just fall off the face of the earth. Then he will come back and repeat and rinse and do the same pattern again. It gets annoying to me.

I ended up putting in the email I had sent that he and i were just going to be acquaintances if I ran into him again in the future. Because if someone truly wanted to take the time to socialize with someone they would. Or at least that is how I see it. I included a lecture giving the person a piece of my mind lol.

[elian]

So let me get this straight hon - did you talk to the guy every day for like a month - and then fall ill so you could only send him one Email a month? Or was it five Emails you sent total?

I mean, sorry to say but my SPAM filter throws out 30 messages a day - it's possible in sending five that the thing could've even flagged you "bad" and he never saw any of it.

I too hate the black hole of Email - when you send an Email with a question - expecting a response and it never comes - that can be irritatating. However, in the real world stuff happens. People get ill - like you did - circumstances can change - especially in the space of 6 months.

I think a good ol' rant 'n rave flaming Email literally cursing someone out is in inappropriate response if you've only ever Emailed this friend six times. People CAN in fact be insensitive and ignorant at times but even so they generally respond better to sane polite requests - if the person doesn't want to really talk then let it go.


Elian, honey, if you send me to a porn site I'll still love you. I might look at you funny a moment, but hey. No, I don't suspect that of you. What I do suspect of you is a plot you have regarding a cuddle fest.


No worries void dear, I'm way too private of a person to send such a link - at least not in a public forum like THIS. Besides - Drew runs threepillows - seems kinda rude to be posting other people's sites up here when he offers THIS service for free.

..I've never attended a cuddle party - might be kind of interesting, I dunno.

[miamiuu]

I met the person over two years ago and i never spoke to him everyday. I'm not codependent or extremely needy. Thing about him was when I first met him he came off as an extremely open person easy to talk to and have a good time with and then he went through multiple personality changes. Kind of had an effect on me cus I was not sure how to socialize with the person. He had told me he was busy plus he had a fiance. So I'm understanding that fiances can take up a lot of time, but he also mentioned that email was the best way to reach him by which I said was fine. I even asked him if he was the type of person that chatted through emails a lot so I could see how I would socialize because some people use email a lot and some dont. He told me he only looked a few times a month so I sent a few and only sent emails about things we had similar interest in and didnt try to get into his business too much. I had written him off a year ago because of his change in behavior and he mentioned to me that I was his friend which made me surprised so I figured I would see who he was as a person again cus I honestly didnt feel like he was treating me like a friend at that time. Yeah I ignored the warning signs lol.

[elian]

Sounds like it's better to just move on at this point then. There are at least 10 different possible reasons why he wouldn't have written back..the end result is the same. I wouldn't have "ds'ssed" him - I would've just let it drop..if it was more than casual conversation maybe he's decided it's easier trying to live "straight".

[proseros]

Mai goh'd...

Dyu yu rellay meyan to say good frend thet yor qibbling over the *ahem* inexplicate ah-bsensees of electronic may-yal and quest-chun whetha yor rebutive compose-ishon in ray-sponse theya-to ought be josti-fied?

Indeed! H'what narcissisist robbish yu've conjured! Digging yoself unto soch a vah-cuous sob-emote-shun-all farcity. Fie with yu!

And do prey tell, yu I-no-queue-ous vainbrane; Just h'whaht sort of *ahem* frend do you cawl yor-self? For awl good intent-shun well with poh-pose, eef I most say so, for the meeer sake of fate that any-h'one should con-sidder yu sew much to confess the sent-I-meant, yew awt think yew'd wont to knew whetha yor frend wur in such strayt's quite beyond ennay concern with yew and rathuh than qibbling, fawl dewn upon yor knees end beg the Lord for theya safety and well-being out side yor presence or knowledge of theya trials.

yu self-fish ninny!

Good-day! h'mmmp!
-------------------------------------
Cum-fucks-us say:

"He who eat ass ought to keep toothbrush close at hand."
--------------------------------------
Keep your friends close.
And in thier absense keep them closer.

[miamiuu]

if you dont like how you are treated by someone that is supposedly a friend you should be able to tell that person what you expect of them as your friend and if they wont do it then dont be friends.

[REALBICPL]

Will always give them the benefit of the doubt, We will try and contact them several times over a month or two....if nothing then you get deleted....:eek:

[Falke]

I lean the other way.
Expectations are the death of a relationship.
I think a friend is someone you can start a conversation with, be interrupted, and pick up the conversation 10 years later where you left off.



Well said, I have several friends that have dropped off the radar. It doesn't mean that we aren't friends. It just means life has gotten in the way.

[miamiuu]

So some people here dont think a person should have expectations on how a person should treat you? Isnt that really asking to be walked on like a carpet?

[NWMtnHawk]

I think I'm just repeating what other posters have already said, but in my opinion, without knowing WHY THERE'S BEEN NO RESPONSE, . . . you don't have enough information to form an opinion harsh or forgiving, either way.

[miamiuu]

So I run into him on 10/31 where he was still working as a bartender and I told him I emailed him for the past five months and he put up a front and made some bs comment about things being slow and he wasnt reading his email. He totally came off to me as a big ahole. He also proceeded to wink at me and stuff like he does to moronic customers he doesnt know.

So i think all in all this was one situation where sending a not so nice email was warranted. Hopefully running into him got him to check the email I sent back in september telling him off and what a shitty friend he is. I usually tell people off politely with logic.

[_Joe_]

It wouldn't hurt to first email him back and ask "whats up?"

You never know, maybe something major disrupted his life?

Been there a few times... I found out though most folks just want to stop being social. buttheads.

[miamiuu]

If someone does not want to be my friend im cool with it just tell me and dont leave me hanging. Or make it appear im your friend only when you want me to be your friend and when I want you to be my friend you act like an ahole. When someone comes off to me like this I dont even want them to think they are my friend so I have no problem telling them straight up we arent friends.

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

If you talked to the man face to face and he gave vague excuses, then he's telling you he doest Want to respond. Wake up Hon. Then move on. Give it one last shot, then walk on and be happy elsewhere. Why put yourself thru that when you dont have to?
Cat

[miamiuu]

If you talked to the man face to face and he gave vague excuses, then he's telling you he doest Want to respond. Wake up Hon. Then move on. Give it one last shot, then walk on and be happy elsewhere. Why put yourself thru that when you dont have to?
Cat

Well he didnt give any excuses until 10/31 so what i suspected turned out to be true about the person. Just decided to post the finale to the story and that in fact it is fine with telling people off sometimes when they just stop contacting you. If someone is a moron there is no problem letting them know you think they are. Morons need to be put in their place sometimes.

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

I have this problem too. I have a dear friend that changed after she met her fiance' She stopped calling, she barely speaks to me, and I and others are worried about her ex-con finace. He did time for forging checks a long time back.

Her Father worked for Boeing, and left her a substancial inheritance, and this guy is running thru it like water. Rolex watches, good expensive gifts are lavished on him, and he Loves the ponies at the track. He has told her that because of her inheritance that she should dump all of the trashy friends that she had for so many years and build better' 'richer' relationships. He discourages her from seeing her old friends too....
She bought an expensive, lavish house, has the new vehicles, and just acts like all of her old friends are beneath her now. :(

Her daughter's worry for their Mother's health and sanity, and cant Stand the man who is rude and snide to them behind Debbie's back. She is so in love with this man that I just Know that none of us can talk to her about it. She is just so afraid to be alone that I know she'd have a fit if anyone spoke to her about him.
All I can do is be there for her when the other shoe drops. I know its going to happen. I know it will devistate her and she's going to be crying all over me, and all of her other old friends.
Its a sad situation, but its her's to deal with. :(
Cat

[12voltman59]

I have this problem too. I have a dear friend that changed after she met her fiance' She stopped calling, she barely speaks to me, and I and others are worried about her ex-con finace. He did time for forging checks a long time back.

Her Father worked for Boeing, and left her a substancial inheritance, and this guy is running thru it like water. Rolex watches, good expensive gifts are lavished on him, and he Loves the ponies at the track. He has told her that because of her inheritance that she should dump all of the trashy friends that she had for so many years and build better' 'richer' relationships. He discourages her from seeing her old friends too....
She bought an expensive, lavish house, has the new vehicles, and just acts like all of her old friends are beneath her now. :(

Her daughter's worry for their Mother's health and sanity, and cant Stand the man who is rude and snide to them behind Debbie's back. She is so in love with this man that I just Know that none of us can talk to her about it. She is just so afraid to be alone that I know she'd have a fit if anyone spoke to her about him.
All I can do is be there for her when the other shoe drops. I know its going to happen. I know it will devistate her and she's going to be crying all over me, and all of her other old friends.
Its a sad situation, but its her's to deal with. :(
Cat


Sounds like a set up for a story on America's Most Wanted or one of those "chick movies" on the Lifetime Network---

[_Joe_]

sigh.

You know, touching base on this since it was eating me up last night.

I used to email quite a few friends I made from High School and College. My laptop broke some years ago, and I have yet to hook up a new monitor to it and pull out emails to keep contact with them because I assumed you know, they would email me and stuff....

I realized shit, its been almost a year - and not one single person has emailed me back. 10 or so folks, nothing. WHat a flipside though, because well I was staying in the closet with them, they had no business knowing I was bi, and I doubt any would keep talking if they knew I was.

I dunno about other folks, but when its around 11pm and you're tired, you're also emotionally drained and vulnerable/weak. It set in that I only have one friend locally that I keep in touch with, and he's not I would consider one I can be totally open with... the only one I can really be open with lives 4 states away and we broke contact months ago due to outside issues.

It's amazing how much one can crave some friendships, dialogue, ext, and at the same time be drained of putting up with the disappointments to the point you are like fuck it - I want to try out this whole schizophrenia thing. I always wanted a friend name "Matt". And he loves to drink wine with me. yaaa

[Apleasureseeker]

Don't fret it. I know it sucks to ber lonely, but being needy will drive people away from you. Other poosters pointed out that your friend might have reasons for not cxontacting that ahve nothing to do with you.
It's important ot have a strong sense of yourself. If your friends come back to play with you--cool! if not, write 'em off. It's their loss, not yours.
At the rsik of sounding non-PC, my active gay friends seem more comfortable with this, particularly the older ones who come from a more casual sick-up culture. They might really click with someone, have great sex, and then never hear from them again. "Part of the life." they say. Straight guys also have to put up with this. A guy can meet avgreat girl, hit it off and when he calls her back she might totally blow him off. WTF? That's just how it is. Listen, in any case DON'T get upset by it, and don't tell him where to go. You're too cool for that. Just go on being your own wonderful self. Don't let the buggers get'cha down.

[Fresia]

Bump it up!

[tenni]

bump trolly