Advice

[mrox5]

Hey I´m new here and this is the first time I write something. I just wanted to share my experience and get some advice from you. I always knew I was somehow different and like for the past 3 years I started asking myself if I was into woman as well as into men. But I always put that thinking in the back of my mind. That is till I slept with a friend, I went to visit her and her husband. I knew something might happened and she was also asking herself if she was into woman at all. In the end we slept together and her husband was also there just watching. I loved it, it was amazing. I even ended with a crush on her. So the problem is I´m married and my husband doesn´t know. I really don´t feel like I cheated on him, I guess it was something I had to do for myself and not be left wondering. He is very conservative with sex and I suspect he is also bi but would never accept it. So my problem is that I´m positive that I would like very much to do it again with another woman, but I would like for my husband to know. Should I say something to him?? Should I ask him if he ever thought about doing it with a man??? I´m very confused right now since all this only happened 2 months ago.

Also I have a Q´for the guys here....is it normal for a straight guy to enjoy getting a finger in the ass?? Once many years ago I caught him watching gay porn and he said that he was only watching it to see if he liked it, but no. Maybe he was scared to admit it???

As you can see I´m very confused right now.............thank god for this forum

[the mage]

Hello and welcome!
First, take all advice here, yes mine too, with a grain of salt.
His liking his butt played with is a good sign, a purely physical one but good for your life together. You're catching him yanking to gay porn is good too.
He will be less likely to be against the thought of your seeking different play if you offer him some too. Be sure to include him in your talk and action from here on in. It will be safer for you all. You have walked the walk and you like it. That puts you in the position of offering your man a 3 way ffm. Most men would give up a nut for that., Talk to him about your desire and your physical (new) needs. Tell him you want him in your life all the way, as you should if the love is strong, and that includes physical pleasure for you both. You must allow him freedom to seek other play too, and let him know that, if you want real balance.. Assure him your love is real, your lust is something different...
I wish you well on your journey...

[allbimyself]

First, about telling him, you, like anyone else in your situation, have 3 options:

1) Tell him
2) Cheat
3) Put away your desires

The third choice, to put away your desires for other women, is the safest yet least satisfying. However, in my not so humble opinion, cheating is NEVER a valid option. This means that you have to weigh your desire to be with women against your fear and the risk of telling him.

How you tell him is not something I can advise as the best approach varies by person and I know neither of you.

As far as the possibility of him being bisexual, too: catching him watching gay porn is more telling than him liking anal play. Straight men have the same physical features that make anal play enjoyable as bi and gay men do. I know several straight men that love to have their girlfriends/wives finger them or even use toys. Being straight, bisexual or gay has NOTHING to do with what kind of sexual activity you engage in, but is ONLY determined by who you do it with.

I think you should put your curiosity about his being bisexual aside for now and deal with your bisexuality and how it affects your relationship with him. If he's bisexual and wishes to pursue sex with other men, he will feel safer telling you that if he knows you are bisexual as well, and yes, you may feel safer telling him if you know he is, but I don't think you are going to have much luck finding out.

[mrox5]

Thanks for the advice...somehing I forgot to tell you was that I had a semi-serious talk with him where I express my curiosity about being with another woman and maybe we could do a FFM and then I told him that for me it would be more than Ok if he wants to try with another man. The funny thing was that he was very silent, I mean he was like good but that was it.....sometime later he said to a couple of friends that I would like to do a FFM, he was laughing, but then a couple of them told me to never say it again, that it was wrong and that I would lost him, funny thing they were lesbian.
And yes I know that I cheated and I´m not proud but I also don´t feel so guilty about it. But one thing I know for sure is that I won´t do it again without him knowing.

[allbimyself]

I would suggest that you know your husband better than your friends, so I wouldn't worry too much about what they said.

You are in a good position here. You may have mentioned your desires only "semi-seriously" before, but part of him must think you are possibly serious. Again, forget about his possible bisexuality. If you use that as a lever to get him to accept your bisexuality and he turns out not to be bi himself, you've just given him an excuse to totally dismiss ever considering letting you explore with women.

Again, for now, only deal with your sexuality, not his. You've laid some groundwork, now is the time to inform him that you are serious about your desire for women. Also, reassure him that that doesn't mean you love him or desire him any less and that you will NOT cheat on him.

I can't stress this enough: This is about your sexuality and your relationship with him (NOT about his sexuality) and that is where the focus of your conversation must lie. When that is out of the way and he is comfortable, if he is bi or bicurious he'll probably tell you. If not. give him some time to become comfortable with the new situation and broach it with him then, but again, not at the same time as discussing your desires.

[Skater Boy]

Hola Mrox5. And welcome to Bi.com!

Allbi has given you some pretty good advice:


First, about telling him, you, like anyone else in your situation, have 3 options:

1) Tell him
2) Cheat
3) Put away your desires

Obviously I can't tell you exactly whats best, but having read your situation, I would advise you to choose number 1.

Secrets are never good for a relationship unless revealing them will totally destroy it. And even then, sometimes we have to accept the consequences that arise from being who we really are.

It sounds like your husband has his own sexual issues to deal with, which could either work in your favour, or count against you. But I suspect that it would probably work in your favour.

Just remember to be tactful, and sensitive to your husband's feelings, whilst being true to your own.

¡Buena suerte! :)