When Hubby is NOT enough....help. [Archive]

my life

Apr 23, 2007, 12:28 AM

Hello Everyone....I would like to run something by you all. I am half of a bi couple. For so many years I have tried to be the best wife that not only a straight man would want, but even more to so my bi husband. I am open,honest, accepting, and so willing to participate in my husbands desires to make HIM happy. Tat was what I thought I was here for when we came on a year ago. Well guess what? I NEVER expected to find anything here for me, well I mean that I never realized that perhaps I could be missing things that my husband was not able to give me. I was SO wrong. I have found so much here. Great friends. Incredible support system. Men whom I met for a threesome with hubby, but for some wild, unknown reason, they like ME more than my hubby.

Now I am in a quandry. Since finally being with a few men that we have met here and in a couple of restaurants in Metro West, I find that there is a whole world that my husband has not experianced me to. I love the experiances the men have shown me, things Patrick (my man) has never shown me. What do I do? Do I stay stagnant with a man who really does not know that I even exist and never seems to please me. Or take a chance and rish our eight years of marriage just to finally feel fulfilled as a woman. I do not know.

Has any one been in a similar situation?

Vikki

Solomon

Apr 23, 2007, 3:32 AM

personally, i think this is a question for and between you two, and it sounds like there's more to this than what you're telling...

i'm really confused as to how truly open, honest, and accepting you've been if you're withholding these desires that you have...

frankly, i feel that when ya'll got married you deferred to him the right to have an equal say in these matters, just as he deferred to you the right to have an equal say in these matters

how would you feel if he needed to be fullfilled by another woman and didn't talk the matter over with you?

BreeIsMe

Apr 23, 2007, 10:27 AM

From my standpoint, there are a lot of "Patricks" out there. For me, I cannot fathom why. My first goal in a relationship is to take care of my partner. I would love such a giving and understanding spouse as you are! It seems that many people are paired with others who just aren't compatible. I don't have any magic words of wisdom as I am divorced because my first spouse never paid attention to my needs either and I haven't done much better the second time around. I think you just have to make a very difficult deicision (which is one of the hardest you will ever make) and decide if Patrick is going to make you happy for the rest of your life or not. AND if not, if it is worth the trauma and pain of separating yourself from one person and looking for another. Remember many "faults" don't come out in a person until you are well into a relationship....

Sorry, I can't be of more help.
I emphathize with your situation and wish you the best of luck...

Bree

Hello Everyone....I would like to run something by you all. I am half of a bi couple. For so many years I have tried to be the best wife that not only a straight man would want, but even more to so my bi husband. I am open,honest, accepting, and so willing to participate in my husbands desires to make HIM happy. Tat was what I thought I was here for when we came on a year ago. Well guess what? I NEVER expected to find anything here for me, well I mean that I never realized that perhaps I could be missing things that my husband was not able to give me. I was SO wrong. I have found so much here. Great friends. Incredible support system. Men whom I met for a threesome with hubby, but for some wild, unknown reason, they like ME more than my hubby.

Now I am in a quandry. Since finally being with a few men that we have met here and in a couple of restaurants in Metro West, I find that there is a whole world that my husband has not experianced me to. I love the experiances the men have shown me, things Patrick (my man) has never shown me. What do I do? Do I stay stagnant with a man who really does not know that I even exist and never seems to please me. Or take a chance and rish our eight years of marriage just to finally feel fulfilled as a woman. I do not know.

Has any one been in a similar situation?

Vikki

Luvboth

Apr 23, 2007, 2:28 PM

My late wife and I had similar situation. We resolved it with a frank discussion and reversed the flow of ratio. We decided to develop more friendships with women for our threesomes. Our marriage lasted for 21 years before her passing....... It was she who introduced me to life of shared bi relationships and opened closet door.

Spicy

Apr 23, 2007, 5:52 PM

The answer to your "problem" is very simple. Sit down with your husband and talk it over, be frank and tell him your wants. he sounds like a good man who wants to please you. I am sure this will solve many of your problems. We men like to be told what to do and also love following directions. Good luck.

Spicy

Metro28

Apr 23, 2007, 6:26 PM

I have to agree with Spicy and suggest you talk to him openly about if you've desires that you find are not being fulfilled. If he loves you, then he'll care about your feelings. Who knows? Doing so might bring you closer together.

I agree with your comments about this site. I just stumbled across it yesterday and am so glad I found it - it's nice to know that there are other likeminded people out there. :)

my life

Apr 23, 2007, 6:27 PM

First of all, thank you all so much for the responses, I never thought I would get so much feedback. I was SO nervous writing this thread (my first on any site) that perhaps I have not phrased things too well.

Please do not get me wrong, I love my husband, we were high school sweethearts. I have not had much experiance with other men so I just thought what we had was the way of the world. I have always made it my role in our relationship the one who pleases my man for so many reasons. I love to make love to men, both physically and emotionally. I never make love to him with the expectation of getting anything in return so to speak. I do not want to have to tell himwhat to do, but rather would want him to want to make love to me. In the last few years, he seems to be less concerned about how I feel or what I want. YES.....I do know that I should sit him down and tell him how I feel, but I am so concerned about his feelings that I have not done that. I guess I am concerned about his ego and all. I guess I was hoping to come up with some subtle ways to approach this first. When I have mentioned things in the past, it falls upon deaf ears.

I guess I am scared too. Because when we have met with the few men to satisfy his needs, I found a whole new world for me. I liked the attention and the lovers seem to want to please me too. I guess the only way to make change is for me to do it. I know that it is realy going to be hard, but I do not want to loose the man I love so much.

Vikki

Metro28

Apr 23, 2007, 6:37 PM

I think I can understand why you are scared. I've never been in your shoes myself, but I have been in ones similar to his in that I was in a relationship years ago with a woman who was similarly frustrated, but didn't tell me outright (and I'm terrible at picking up on hints lol). She bottled it up for similar reasons as you are and it ate away at her. Finally, she exploded and ended the relationship. While everything is fine now, I remember wishing that she had told me. Your husband may have a different reaction, but I think you owe it to yourself to tell him how you feel. :)

ghytifrdnr

Apr 23, 2007, 11:05 PM

Hi My Life,
As you can see, there are a lot of opinions.
I've been married to one woman for forty mostly happy years. But I too find that one is not enough, and no matter how much you love someone, after a time the sex can get old and less interesting. I've always wanted more partners, and we tried that about twenty years ago. But she didn't like it and we stopped.
I'm sorry I don't have any answers to offer you, but please know that there is at least one other person in this world who's in this particular boat. :banghead:

Solomon

Apr 24, 2007, 6:38 AM

check out this site... i'm sure this guy'll lead ya in the right direction as far as communication an all

http://www.marsvenus.com/

my life

Apr 24, 2007, 9:08 AM

" after a time the sex can get old and less interesting "

Thank you for the advice. I have always been the kind of woman who works to keep our relationship new, interesting, romantic, erotic and comforting. The is nothing ( with in reason) that I won't try to do to make Patrick happy. I was the one, sensing that I was not enough woman for him offered to bring another woman into the picture. In the end it was another man who made the difference. From that point forward our sexual relationship did change. I finally had a sense that he really enjoyed sex. The whole concept of it. It was not drudgery to have to be with me. I too received found a new place. First seeing Patrick happy was wonderful, but then when we found a man or two over the last year or so, I found out that there were other ways to be pleased.

Can I ask, how did you manage to work out a compromise? These kinds of hints and the like is what I am looking for.

Also, I am somewhat hesitant to bring alot of this up to my husband because I know how frail the male ego is. Maybe that is wrong, but at this point, it is how I feel.

Vikki

Solomon

Apr 24, 2007, 11:01 AM

BiMSlutDFW

Apr 24, 2007, 1:45 PM

tink1978

Apr 24, 2007, 2:12 PM

Hmmm.... I've been given the impression that my ego is less fragile than most, so I'm not sure my impression are accurate. Then again, the people who have told me that may be wrong.

I'm in a triad with 2 wonderful women. My partners and I hide NOTHING from one another. And yes, sometimes we tell each other things that hurt, and sometimes it takes a lot of talking, snuggling, crying to make things better. Nonetheless, I stand by the bottom line of what I told both of them when our relationships began:

There is NOTHING you can say to me that will hurt as much as the knowledge that you are hiding things from me. We are partners, you are one of the very few I trust at my back. Please, PLEASE don't let that trust rest on a foundation of dishonesty and deceit. Not ever.

I don't like being alone. But I like it better than being with someone I don't feel I can trust.

Slut

Slut I think that is great advise. I would rather be told something bad and upsetting and be able to work it out then go threw life thinking every thing is fine and then find out that my partner is not happy with our life as it is.

Mylife, It may hurt your husbands "ego" to learn that he is not satisfying you sexually but I stand by the old saying "I cant fix what I dont know is broke" if you do not tell him that you would rather be on top (for example) how will he know?

:2cents: Amanda

ghytifrdnr

Apr 24, 2007, 2:58 PM

hhmm yes, the male ego is a fragile thing...

might be a good thing to consider letting him think it's his idea... if there's one thing about us guys, we love to think in solutions.... our own solutions lol!

i know that when flex married me she just didn't have a clue that Mr. Right has a middle name Always hehehee!!

so it might be a good idea to let him solve a problem for ya! :cool:

Sol's suggestion above may be the best advice you'll recieve. As for my 'compromise', we no longer talk about it, and I spend my time on sites like this, wishing. :(

BreeIsMe

Apr 24, 2007, 3:52 PM

I am amazed by all who have responded. I agree with most who say you should sit your husband down and tell him forthright why you are unhappy and HOW he can make you happy. He seems to want to do that by what you say and if so, that will be his best chance. I know that he may not change and in fact men usually do not change for they cannot change their natures. This is a risk in doing that. HOWEVER, if you don't ever tell him, YOU will have to live with what you get and if you aren't happy, you are guaranteeing yourself an unhappy future. I don't wish your circumstance on anyone as there is no good answer but PLEASE be honest. Maybe, just maybe, it may pay off...

Bree

Please keep us informed as to how it is going for you!!!!

We are all pulling for you..

flexuality

Apr 24, 2007, 10:10 PM

my life,

I would strongly encourage you to read "Men are From Mars, Women Are From Venus".....if for no other reason than to learn that when women say one thing, men hear another...and when men say one thing, women hear another."

The way you appear to be going about things is not wrong, pre se, but it is designed around what would and would not upset you. It seems to be that the things you are not wanting to say are becuase you would not want to be told those things.

So while you believe that you are being respectful of his feelings and his ego, he is not seeing it that way.

Couple of other things that cross my mind....no one can make someone else happy. No one likes to be "fixed" or "worked on." Especially men.

BreeIsMe

Apr 24, 2007, 11:11 PM

I would strongly agree with Flexuality in that by the time people are adults (male or female) our "nature" is pretty ingrained and unless we REALLY want to change ourselves, change is very hard to come by. I think we women think sometimes that we are going to "make" our men into better "men" than they are but unfortunately our men don't share this goal. THe difference between the way we think and feel and the way men think and feel is the basis for the book Men are from Mars and women are from Venus.
I like the book and think that you can learn a lot from it about what to expect. Unmet expectations are the biggest source of tension within a relationship...

GOod luck, I am pulling for you...

Bree

my life,

I would strongly encourage you to read "Men are From Mars, Women Are From Venus".....if for no other reason than to learn that when women say one thing, men hear another...and when men say one thing, women hear another."

The way you appear to be going about things is not wrong, pre se, but it is designed around what would and would not upset you. It seems to be that the things you are not wanting to say are becuase you would not want to be told those things.

So while you believe that you are being respectful of his feelings and his ego, he is not seeing it that way.

Couple of other things that cross my mind....no one can make someone else happy. No one likes to be "fixed" or "worked on." Especially men.

my life

Apr 26, 2007, 12:41 AM

Sol.....

I want to thank you for the great link to John Gray. I have often heard of his book, but never had a chance to read it. I have to say that the "tests" which are located in the link are very insightul. I even found a class in our area.

To Bree and Flex...Thank you for the link to the Book. Two greats girls who have great comments and Ideas.

Vikki

Solomon

Apr 26, 2007, 3:36 AM

yvw, John Gray's an awsome miracle worker with communication skills :cool:

i should know, i needed a miracle! an flex can certainly attest to that lol!

flexuality

Apr 26, 2007, 3:41 AM

yvw, John Gray's an awsome miracle worker with communication skills :cool:

i should know, i needed a miracle! an flex can certainly attest to that lol!

Yes, now that Sol is fixed......LOL!! (running and hiding) :bigrin:

Seriously though....John Gray's books (and that one in particular) were very influencial in our relationship.

I was amazed at how much I "thought I knew" that I didn't really have a clue about. So we BOTH needed it! :tong:

onewhocares

Apr 27, 2007, 9:21 AM

What a very interesting thread. I took time out to look onto the John Gray website and was very encouraged by what I saw. I am going to go and get the book that you all talk about today.

Vikki, I think that all of the advice that people have shared with you is going to be helpful. I know what it is like not to want to say anything to another person because you do not want to hurt their feelings. I can give you two examples...the one and only time I was ever with a woman I knew that it was not for me. I cared for her very much as a friend and therefore did not want to hurt her...in the end I did just that. By not being honest and up front it ruined our friendship. Second example, I had a best friend who was like my sister, better than the sister I did have and was not close to. She was the best friend anyone could have. She was even in the delivery room when our daughter was born. I had always hoped that she would have married my brother with whom she had been sexually involved. Well my dopey brother ended up with someone else. So she went and found another man in short order. Well the time came when she asked me what I thought of him. I knew that he was not right for her on so many levels. So I said to myself hurt her now by telling her how you really feel and have her hate you. Or, say nothing and let her face an uncertain life with him. Well I cared so much for her that I told her how I felt. Our relationship has never been the same since. Her mistake was telling him what I said and that was the worst. So I guess I am saying this to show that there are no easy solutions. It is hard, I am going thru a similar situation as you are, so know you are not alone.

Belle

wolfcamp

Apr 27, 2007, 7:41 PM

While reading this thread, I also thought this is a classic Mars / Venus situation. I've read a couple of Gray's books, and they are very worthwhile. I recommend them.

my_life, you have to tell your husband what you need from him. I know, you think you shouldn't have to tell him; he should just know. But I can assure you that men don't always just know. I was clueless through two marriages. My second wife once yelled at me, "You never give me what I want." I said, "Tell me what you want", and she said, "I shouldn't have to tell you!" I thought that was terribly unfair. I was willing to try if only I knew how, but she wouldn't tell me.

My current girl friend finally made me start to understand what she wanted. Once she told me, "I want you to tell me sweet nothings like when we first met." I went, sweet nothings?...sweet nothings?...what does that mean? What did I say when we first met? I could only guess, but I was basically mystified. This isn't always intuitive for a man. I think we speak a different language. Sometimes we get it right, but only by luck.

Don't worry about hurting his ego. If you eventually leave him without letting him know what was wrong, it will hurt him much much more. Even if you are thinking about leaving to pursue another lifestyle, it's only fair to talk to him about it first. Maybe you can come to a mutual understanding.

willbeyours2

Apr 27, 2007, 8:55 PM

Dear My Life,

Well after ready all the posts... I must say just tell your husband how unhappy you are. I can say this because I am one of the non attentive , non caring husbands. Something I just found out in the not to distant past. I am working everyday to make the changes I need to. Hopefully they will be enough or I should say the right things. The things that will make my wife happy, all the things the other men in her life do!!! As the saying goes only time will tell. I love my wife with all my heart... but that is not enough. TELL him what you want, need , expect. He will hurt like hell to find out how awful he is, but he needs to know to make the changes you need.

All the best,

Bill

onewhocares

Apr 28, 2007, 8:50 PM

Hi,

My Life...I think that I may wish to change the comments, NO , add to them. I have recently found myself in an most similar situation as you. (Perhaps you saw the comments on a thread that refered to me and were subsequently edited out). As I stated in earlier comments, you never know which way to go..sort of you are damned if you do and well damned if you do not.

I had promised someone who was very dear to me that I would not live my life like he had...making due. being with someone who had no clue to who you were. I never told the man I was with what I really wanted, for I did not want to hurt his VERY fragile ego. My friend told me to not live by his example of doing everything that was safe and not coming to grips with what I wanted. So, I did that. I said what was on my mind....it hurt my sweetie. I lived with that for about a year. It was marginally better.

The bizarrest thing happened this morning. I was reading the posts to your thread and saw that my hubby had commented. I was kind of taken aback at how he viewed himself. This thread sparked a discussion in our lives. Well, I hope that YOU are a stronger woman than I for had I had a chance to relive this morning, I would NEVER say a word to hubby. What I saw in his eyes, heard in his voice and felt within his body, I could never hurt him like I did today. I know that I am a wuss but I can not let the hurt I saw in his eyes happen again.....

Belle

my life

Apr 29, 2007, 10:25 AM

I can not believe that my few thoughts have gotten so many comments. Flex and Sol, thank you so much for the words from both sides of the coin. I am hoping to be able to get the books that you have said helped you both.

Onewhocares, I guess I do not know what to say..I hope that you can find your way. I will PM you.

Vikki

onewhocares

Apr 30, 2007, 12:46 AM

Flex and Sol,

Just wanted to let you know that I was able to get the Men are From Mars, Women are from Venus book. I shall start reading it tonight. Will let you know what I think.

Belle

flexuality

Apr 30, 2007, 1:47 AM

Flex and Sol,

Just wanted to let you know that I was able to get the Men are From Mars, Women are from Venus book. I shall start reading it tonight. Will let you know what I think.

Belle

That is awesome Belle!

You won't regret it.....I still refer to that book and find I am always learning something.....

I can't count the number of times I have had the thought "he does that for THAT reason? You're kidding....I thought it was something completely different" while reading that book. Or the thought "when I say _________ he's hearing __________? I had no idea.."

But by far the most often thought I had while reading it was "OMG....I do that too...."

It is the best book I have ever read for understanding the differences in the ways men and women communicate. What an eye-opener!

flexuality

Apr 30, 2007, 1:54 AM

BreeIsMe

Apr 30, 2007, 5:02 AM

Belle,
that is a great book
It is amazing how BIG a difference an "X" chromosome can make in how one communicates!!!

Bree

Flex and Sol,

Just wanted to let you know that I was able to get the Men are From Mars, Women are from Venus book. I shall start reading it tonight. Will let you know what I think.

Belle

my life

May 16, 2007, 7:40 PM

Just wanted to say thank you for the great suggestion of the John Gray book. I have read through it once and now am going back to highlight those points which I think will help. THANK YOU all so so much.

Vikki

CountryLover

May 16, 2007, 11:41 PM

I laughed myself silly when I read Mars/Venus by John Gray.

My first marriage was a MIRROR image of what he described. *I* am from Mars, my ex husband must be from Venus from the scenarios Mr Gray described. I'd shout, stand up and stomp around the room..."so THAT's what it means when he does....."

I'm the one who "caves"...takes time out to process events, arguments, stressful times. HE was the one who would harbor a grudge for 6 months to blindside me with something I had totally forgotten.