Our Emotional Awareness

[woolleycouple]

I was wondering whether we as a group suffer from depression and other emotional stuff due to what we how we deal with our sexuality. And also our past to who we are today.

I have a bad family past I was not abused but I was not really wanted either and emotionally that is still alot to over come. I knew that I was attracted to women but I never to a chance due to past history. So thus depression. I am working things out and feeling like I am a person worthy of love.

I know that this is not a fun post but I am just curious if this have affected anyone else's life and how they deal with there bi side :bipride: . My only support outside here is my husband.

Thank you guys for listening :bibounce: .

[ghytifrdnr]

I was wondering whether we as a group suffer from depression and other emotional stuff due to what we how we deal with our sexuality.

Speaking only for myself, no. But let's see what others have to say.
But I think you can find some support here. :grouphug:

[woolleycouple]

Thank you hon I needed that. :)

[flexuality]

I was wondering whether we as a group suffer from depression and other emotional stuff due to what we how we deal with our sexuality. And also our past to who we are today.

I have a bad family past I was not abused but I was not really wanted either and emotionally that is still alot to over come. I knew that I was attracted to women but I never to a chance due to past history. So thus depression. I am working things out and feeling like I am a person worthy of love.

I know that this is not a fun post but I am just curious if this have affected anyone else's life and how they deal with there bi side :bipride: . My only support outside here is my husband.

Thank you guys for listening :bibounce: .

Well, I don't know about "as a group" (though I suspect it is rather common) but for myself, absolutely.

My only support outside here right now is my husband too. Though in the past, I have seen counselors (geeesh, I never know how to spell that word! lol), but I have no family support or interaction for that matter. Not that I want it....ack!

I was abused in many ways, but the emotional stuff was and is the worst and the hardest to deal with.

I guess one of the things that I do that has helped the most, is just coming to this site....I can kind of allow myself to deal with things a bit at a time and I can back off anytime I need to. What I am finding is that it is getting easier to relax...some of the fears I had I am realizing are based on the past, not what people actually ARE like....I guess it's kind of a gradual "exposure" and a gradual opening up of myself and feeling safer to do that.

and hugs are good too! :) :grouphug:

[Solomon]

i think that bisexuality can certainly add another layer of emotional baggage... like there's alot of times that i wonder if my life would be alot easier if i were just straight and perfectly content with a wife 2.5 kids two cars and a partridge in a pear tree lol

whether or not that baggage would actually be a result of being bi? i don't know... there was quite a time when i denied my attractions to men, but when i'm honest with myself, i can't really look back and say that i've ever been truly just straight. so i imagine that maybe that's a different perspective on things...

clear as mud, but there ya have my two cents on it :2cents: :grouphug:

[ghytifrdnr]

Interesting! All the participants in this thread so far are more or less "local". :cool:

[dans94]

Good post and best of luck with your depression.

When I'm honest with myself I can define the areas that have helped create my depression.

I still suffer from PTSD from being in Viet Nam. (this, I think, has alot to do with my inability to keep a job) Currently unemployed.

I love my wife but she is not willing to let me take on a male friend. (certainly can't blame her for that)

I'm denying myself that aspect of my life that brings me alot of pleasure. (playing with another guy)

Unemployable, no money, no prospects.

I think I'll go eat worms. :bigrin:

[DiamondDog]

It's been proven that queer people have a higher rate of depression, anxiety, alcoholism, self loathing/lower self esteem (goes along with depression), suicide rate (especially among queer teens), and the queer community's least talked about subject is the common issue of domestic abuse/violence. :(

[Solomon]

i have a real struggle with the idea that they can somehow 'prove' anything when it comes to emotional issues relating to groups of people....

would you have any information on how they've managed to 'prove' this?

[woolleycouple]

Thank you. I deal with my depression fine I just have a few bumps in the road that set me back once in awhile. Yes Flex Hugs do really help I have found. :grouphug: .

[deletetacount123]

I have depression too :( Its coming from being lonely and no matter what I do, nothing works when I make BIG efforts to make friends or a love life.
What was the line from Britney Spears early songs??

"My loneliness is killing me....." :(
Ahhh whats my purpose on earth anyway? *taps foot and looks in the clouds* hmph.

Tasha

[pecker]

Tasha...........First of all....Don't shave your damn head lol.......And try putting a real profile of yourself on the site........I think that a real picture of you on here would let people see cute and irrestable you really are.......I am PTSD...from being in Vietnam......A form of depression that can't be cured [but] I set different goals to achive in my life.......so far I'm doing pretty good.....I have been bi sexual most of my life......I have been married 6 times and to this day I haven't given up on what is most important to me......ME...Don't ever give up on yourself.................

[flexuality]

Tasha...........First of all....Don't shave your damn head lol.......And try putting a real profile of yourself on the site........I think that a real picture of you on here would let people see cute and irrestable you really are.......I am PTSD...from being in Vietnam......A form of depression that can't be cured [but] I set different goals to achive in my life.......so far I'm doing pretty good.....I have been bi sexual most of my life......I have been married 6 times and to this day I haven't given up on what is most important to me......ME...Don't ever give up on yourself.................

Well, I'm confused.....a REAL profile? A REAL picture?? Are you suggesting that her profile and pictures are not real?

[deletetacount123]

Tasha...........First of all....Don't shave your damn head lol.......And try putting a real profile of yourself on the site........I think that a real picture of you on here would let people see cute and irrestable you really are.......I am PTSD...from being in Vietnam......A form of depression that can't be cured [but] I set different goals to achive in my life.......so far I'm doing pretty good.....I have been bi sexual most of my life......I have been married 6 times and to this day I haven't given up on what is most important to me......ME...Don't ever give up on yourself.................

My pics and my profile are me and very honest.
I am not interested in posting some fake not me profile cause why?? thats stupid.

My pictures are shot with my webcam so they are real. Your the only guy to assume they aren't real. Why that??

I believe in being real.

Tasha

[deletetacount123]

Well, I'm confused.....a REAL profile? A REAL picture?? Are you suggesting that her profile and pictures are not real?

Thats what hes suggesting... looking for problems I guess... but my profile and pics are very real and very me. :)

[flexuality]

Thats what hes suggesting... looking for problems I guess... but my profile and pics are very real and very me. :)

I know they're real. :)

I don't see the point in putting up anything that ISN'T real!

[pecker]

Didn't know you had pics on your profile......Never clicked on it!!!!!!!!!!!!
GODDAMN............I was trying to be nice................Do you all try to find fault in everything on here??????????????????????????

[flexuality]

Didn't know you had pics on your profile......Never clicked on it!!!!!!!!!!!!
GODDAMN............I was trying to be nice................Do you all try to find fault in everything on here??????????????????????????

Hey! You were the one who said "try putting a real profile of yourself on the site" and a "real picture".

I was asking for clarification of what you meant by that, because I know Tasha HAS a profile and that her pictures ARE real.

The implication that you suggested she put up a REAL profile was that you had LOOKED at her profile and somehow come to the strange conclusion that it was not real. And that her pictures were not real.

Asking you what you meant by that is "finding fault?" I thought it was called communication.

[pecker]

When Tasha's name is on the people on line..........The pic is of two girls together...................THAT"S NOT TASHA...................Thats what I was talking about..................Put her pic there!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Get a life [YOU]

[deletetacount123]

When Tasha's name is on the people on line..........The pic is of two girls together...................THAT"S NOT TASHA...................Thats what I was talking about..................Put her pic there!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Get a life [YOU]

No one else here has a picture of themselfs on thier avatars.... Flex has a pink cat from Alice in Wonderland.... theres a lotus pic, theres are pently cartoons pics, a bum avatar, tinkerbell too!!! None of those pics are real!! So mine comes from a famous poster... so what? No one has thier real pics in thier avatars same with me.

I think you should CLICK someones name before saying they have a fake profile and fake pics!!!

Tasha

[flexuality]

When Tasha's name is on the people on line..........The pic is of two girls together...................THAT"S NOT TASHA...................Thats what I was talking about..................Put her pic there!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Get a life [YOU]
Good grief!!

All I did was ask a simple question .....were you suggesting it wasn't real. I even said "suggesting"...I didn't accuse you of anything.

CHILL.

and I have a life thank you.

BTW...that's not ME in my avatar pic.......

[pecker]

I was only trying to be nice and have people see the real you without clicking on your name........................If a pic was there of you maybe more people would click on it and you could maybe find a what your looking for.......SORRY................I won't try to help anyone else on this site......This is the most RUDE place that I have ever been on. Maybe I will get the BOOT like other people that were misunderstood!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[csrakate]

PLEASE....I do believe you misunderstood where pecker was coming from...try reading it again...he really was trying to be helpful and understanding....there were just a few crossed wires as a result of the typed word vs. the spoken word. Pecker, for what it is worth, I understand what you were trying to say.

Come on people....why do these arguments continue??? Take a deep breath before jumping to conclusions...think before you type....and for God's sake decide if is really worth all the emotional energy you put into a post. We aren't children....the last word isn't required to be the winner....and pissing matches are tiresome!

I have been on this site for two years now and NEVER before have I seen the sort of knee jerk reactions as we have had in the last several weeks. I think I speak for many when I say that I am beginning to tire of reading the forum.

Hugs,
Kate

[flexuality]

I was only trying to be nice and have people see the real you without clicking on your name........................If a pic was there of you maybe more people would click on it and you could maybe find a what your looking for.......SORRY................I won't try to help anyone else on this site......This is the most RUDE place that I have ever been on. Maybe I will get the BOOT like other people that were misunderstood!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LOL!

ooooookaaaaaaaaayyyyyy.....no one was being rude. If you interpreted any of that as "rude", then I'm sorry, but that's YOU'RE problem.

It started off as a simple question as to what you meant. Nothing more. No rudeness in that question.

Sorry you feel that way.

[deletetacount123]

I was only trying to be nice and have people see the real you without clicking on your name........................If a pic was there of you maybe more people would click on it and you could maybe find a what your looking for.......SORRY................I won't try to help anyone else on this site......This is the most RUDE place that I have ever been on. Maybe I will get the BOOT like other people that were misunderstood!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Show me ONE poster that has thier real pic on thier avatar. Of ALL message boards Ive been on NO ONE ever uses thier own pic.

The point is your saying my pic isn't real then said my profile isn't real....
Why would you say that if you don't CLICK the name first to see??
Your first post sounded like you did look then said they weren;t real.

When I said they were real, you then changed to saying you never clicked my name. So how would you know my profile was real or not if you DIDN'T LOOK??

THEN you say the avatar isn't me... no its not... but I have NOT SEEN ONE PERSON that has a real pic of themselfs as thier avatars.

You keep changing the story, Im done... this is woolleycouple's thread not yours and not mine or Flex's. So lets all just stop threadjacking this lovely woman's post.

[flexuality]

PLEASE....I do believe you misunderstood where pecker was coming from...try reading it again...he really was trying to be helpful and understanding....there were just a few crossed wires as a result of the typed word vs. the spoken word. Pecker, for what it is worth, I understand what you were trying to say.

Come on people....why do these arguments continue??? Take a deep breath before jumping to conclusions...think before you type....and for God's sake decide if is really worth all the emotional energy you put into a post. We aren't children....the last word isn't required to be the winner....and pissing matches are tiresome!

I have been on this site for two years now and NEVER before have I seen the sort of knee jerk reactions as we have had in the last several weeks. I think I speak for many when I say that I am beginning to tire of reading the forum.

Hugs,
Kate
ummm Kate?

It was a simple question looking to clarify what he meant. That's all.

Sorry if my posts don't meet with the approval of those who have been here longer than me. I'm not looking to win anything...there's nothing TO win. But apparently you are....so see ya round some time...

sorry to fuck up the forum so bad for you

[deletetacount123]

Dearest woolleycouple,

Im sorry the thread took a turn to threadjacking.

*hugs woolleycouple* If you ever want to talk Im here :)
It has effected my life, I had always known I was into women more then men since I was 12..... It was hard to talk to my parents cause mom never wanted to talk about ANYTHING having to do with sex..... so here I am, forced to learn by books, internet, open online friends lol
But cause my parents refused to talk about sex, how could I talk about same gender?? Yes one of my brothers is gay but no one ever talks about it.

She even told me masterbate was wrong. *shakes head* How can a goooooood feeling be wrong?? I really like that feeling lol

I kissed a girl in highschool and touched her too (bare back massage lol) and it felt so nice and natural....
I dated guys but only cause I believed thats what I HAD to do. lol I had no one to talk to really so that depressed me :(

Anyway Im a lot better now and I have spoken to several online friends and everyone is supportive so I try to look on the good side :)

Tasha

[deletetacount123]

ummm Kate?

It was a simple question looking to clarify what he meant. That's all.

Sorry if my posts don't meet with the approval of those who have been here longer than me. I'm not looking to win anything...there's nothing TO win. But apparently you are....so see ya round some time...

sorry to fuck up the forum so bad for you

Flex is a bit moody cause I bit her neck and I drank to much blood so shes drained, tired and mine! :) hehe (Bad me I know..... but what do you expect from vampires? hehe)

[csrakate]

ummm Kate?

It was a simple question looking to clarify what he meant. That's all.

Sorry if my posts don't meet with the approval of those who have been here longer than me. I'm not looking to win anything...there's nothing TO win. But apparently you are....so see ya round some time...

sorry to fuck up the forum so bad for you

Please flex...this is what I am talking about....did I say YOU were fucking up the forum??? NO! I was merely asking everyone to think before posting and realize that misunderstandings happen....and we do NOT help these things by over reacting and getting angry. That's all.

I give up...and please..let's not drag this out any further...I never meant to insult you or anyone else....I am just frustrated. I never said I was out to win anything either.

Hugs,
Kate

[pecker]

Thanks KATE..................It's good to see that someone on here has some sense...............................This place is a mess............No more trying to help from me......................

[biwords]

Thanks KATE..................It's good to see that someone on here has some sense...............................This place is a mess............No more trying to help from me......................

Um, maybe that's the wrong moral to draw from this? Some conversations just go off the rails, no one's at their best all the time, & God knows there have been countless occasions in my life where I caused the problem and wished I could swallow back my words. In this case your intentions were clearly good but your words weren't entirely clear and everything kind of went to hell after that. I would say, take a breather, don't worry about misunderstandings, and the next time you feel moved to comment, just do it.

[12voltman59]

Getting back to the topic of the thread---I don't think that the bisexual population is any more depressed or otherwise suffering from mental disfunctions than the population in general--I mean--just one of the more popular anti-depressent big pharma medications earns more annually and totals more than dozens of the GDPs of some third world countries.

It would astound you to know how many of your family members, friends, co-workers, folks at your church or whatever you are on prescribed anti-depressent meds----

As a society, we are all pretty well messed in the head!!!!! :)

[DiamondDog]

i have a real struggle with the idea that they can somehow 'prove' anything when it comes to emotional issues relating to groups of people....

would you have any information on how they've managed to 'prove' this?

It's very common knowledge, lots of studies have been done that show these things to be true and more higher in queer people.

Look up the studies done by mental health workers, psychologists, sex researchers, or people like that.

Talk to people who work with GLBT teens/people.

Take a group of people that are generally judged, hated, and reviled like GLBT people are and you'll see that drug/alcohol abuse is high, depression is high, self loathing /low self esteem is high, the feeling of isolation is very high, and it's shown that queer teens have a higher rate of suicide than heterosexual teens.

Sure, the numbers may go down or up depending on various factors but it's been shown that queer people on average have a higher percentage of issues like these compared to heterosexual people.

If you want examples of this, just read a few of the recent posts here.

It's like how in certain cities and areas of America and Canada there is a HUGE problem with queer men, meth abuse, and the spread of HIV/other STDs from unprotected sex.

[darkeyes]

Touchy thread...Fran gets depressed... goes inta almighty strop..storms off in huff.. snogs every 1 2 cheer them an 'erself up...lix flex... snogs Tash..offers booty 2 Mumsy for paddlin.. flashes leg for pecker ...

laffs! :bigrin: :tong:

[darkeyes]

I think every1 is depressed from time to time. We are, none of us so emotionally or mentally strong that our life does not cause our moods to go down sometimes...Depression is an altogether different thing and I do believe that it would be likely that bisexual people, like members of any less than socially accepted or oppressed minority group would suffer a higher incidence of full blown depression because of the higher stress and anxiety levels so many have because of society's pressure on them. This must be more acute in those who are not open about their sexuality for reasons of guilt, suppression of their true nature or the need to keep their activites secret from the rest of the world and especially their most loved.. I find it difficult to believe that such incidences will not continue to be higher until we are allowed to be fully accepted and approved of, until society does not view us with suspicion and until the major religions back off!!

I suffer occasional bouts of depression, but am not sure whether this is because of my inability to take really hard emotional knocks which is when it seems to raise its ugly head, or whether because of my sexuality and the less than wholly accepting view of the world, my levels of resistance are lower as a result and the knocks life brings allows it to overwhelm me.. but I am a openly bisexual woman. How much more difficult and stressful must it be for any who are not so and have to conceal their true sexuality and all the anxieties and stress that must entail?

I think men are more susceptible to depresson anyway, with the world's view of male homeosexuality or bisexuality even more negative than for women.. how much more stressful then must it be for closeted men? Two of my male gay and bi friends have attempted suicide because of their inabilty to cope with secrecy and in the end those attempts exposed their true sexual identity... both thank God are now much more easy in themselves now that their nature is open to the world, and the depression which drove them to make attempts on their lives still threatens, but has eased so much that their lives are now in the main, good.

It would be silly of me to claim that depression would all just disappear if we were more socially accepted than we are.. people who are susceptible to depression will still be even then, but it is my belief that if the world treated us and our kind with true compassion, acceptance and understanding then bouts of depression would be reduced among us all and many lives would be saved.

We are not alone. Any less than wholly accepted lifestyle will have increased incidence of depression, any minority group which feels itself threatened or has a history of oppression likewise.. its a long haul but in the end I believe we will get there .. depression will always be around.. what we must ensure is as far as we can, that as many of the reasons for its stimulation are eliminated as possible...

[fortyniner1]

Speaking only for myself, I have struggled mightily with severe depression for over thirty years. It is that dark cloud that I cannot shake. I have had the usual therapy sessions and the meds that make me dependent on them and also have the added drawback of seemingly making my sex drive wilt. I try very hard to see the good in life, but the longer I live, the less I see and the whole damn thing is, well, depressing. I like to laugh, so I like to see and hear comedy. I like certain sports and to be involved in mind opening conversations. That seems to help me focus myself. Unfortunately, I work shift work in a loud factory with people who are afraid or whatever of the LGBT community, of which I am a part of. Like many of you, I suffered as a youngster because I had different views that came out naturally. I was shunned as a result and spent many hours alone. I made up games to occupy myself. I read, I wrote and I searched for my voice in the world. But thanks to ALL of you, I have found my home here with you and my emotional awareness has been found. It is through YOUR ideas, thoughts, experiences, dreams, pursuits and challenges that I can connect. So I thank you ALL for helping me break the shackles of my overwhelming depression to just depression. I see a peek of the sun. I feel the warmth of YOUR love. From one end of our earth to the other, I have made true and good friends. My emotional awareness is being refined in the beautiful light of your love and compassion. If I can ever help anyone, please allow me the chance to give back and continue to grow as a human being. It is the least I can do for YOU, my dear and trusted friends. I leave you this time with peace and love, and the unending thanks of this simple man. :flag4:

[woolleycouple]

Hello George

Wow people this is just about my curiousity (sp). No debated that is all. I just wanted to know if there were similar experiences like mine. Diamond thank you for your stats on this I really didn't know. Pecker hon we understand :rolleyes: it is all good confusion is a real way of life. Tasha sweetie the real you shines through no matter what. Flex *pounces* you hon are a protector you need a cape to go with those fangs hon :bigrin: .Dark you are right and thank you for what you said. My depression is something I struggle with everyday is due to many things it does help to know that I am not alone.

[dans94]

Ha Ha!! Well, you can't say we're all not emotionally aware. :bigrin: :eek:

[Herbwoman39]

In response to the original post, I honestly have to say that I suffered from more depression *before* I came out and was consciously aware of my bisexual side than I have since coming out. I actually had more anxiety about acceptance than I did depression.

[darkeyes]

Hello George

Wow people this is just about my curiousity (sp). No debated that is all. I just wanted to know if there were similar experiences like mine. Diamond thank you for your stats on this I really didn't know. Pecker hon we understand :rolleyes: it is all good confusion is a real way of life. Tasha sweetie the real you shines through no matter what. Flex *pounces* you hon are a protector you need a cape to go with those fangs hon :bigrin: .Dark you are right and thank you for what you said. My depression is something I struggle with everyday is due to many things it does help to know that I am not alone. Know wot its like hun an me thoughts are wiv u as they r wiv ne 1 who suffers the crap of depression... x

[woolleycouple]

Thanks hon I do so love your accent. :) How is your Galic??

[darkeyes]

Thanks hon I do so love your accent. :) How is your Galic??
Ta...soz but don hav the gaelic... least ya seem ta know scots gaelic is pronounced different from the Irish.. sum of em can get rite shirty if ya pronounce it gaylic!! Only thing me knows bout gaelic is its proper name is erse..wich me always think funny cos its an east of Scotland word for arse. Useless trivia!! B happy huns... both of ya!!!

[izzfan]

I would have to say that sexuality has probably been the cause of many emotions and problems for me, even to the present day. I only knew that I was bisexual when I was about 17 [ I mean, it definately existed in some latent form before that but it was only when I got thinking about it a year or so ago did I realise]. I mean, my gay side is actually the most 'normal' and 'respectable' side of my sexuality and has probably caused me the least emotional problems.

As for my straight side, even thinking about it in public can still get me paranoid. I mean, from about the age of 13 I have been into cross-dressing and I have been into S&M/bondage fantasies for at least a year before that [ most of these are straight and often involve me being dominant or me being cross-dressed and submissive. That's not to say that CDing for me is a purely S&M thing, sometimes when I'm not in a self-hating, ultra-masculine mood it can be very relaxing and make me feel at peace with the world].

Now, considering that I was in early/mid secondary school when I discovered most of these 'unconventional' aspects of my sexuality kind of well and truly in the closet. I mean, it didn't help that my school was a religious (Catholic) one, I mean it wasn't strongly religious but considering that straight sex was only discussed at a minimal level in biology/Religious studies there wasn't a hope in hell of learning about LGBT stuff. Also, up until the age of 15 I was quite religious [I was Anglican and liked the religous aspects of the school for the first couple of years, I mean I used to carry a bible to school every day. One of the many things I got bullied for, but more on that later] and I remeber having numerous debates with myself before morning prayer (yes, I used to go to prayers before school in the early days) about whether I was damned to hell/'sinning' just for furtively borrowing and wearing a skirt every couple of weeks. Yeah, my early school days were pretty bad but I never got bullied on account of my sexuality - I got bullied (mainly taunts and deliberately hiding my stuff) for all sorts of other reasons (running to lessons just to be extra punctual, getting stressed very easily, taking a bible to school everyday etc... basically, I was a complete swot in the early days - in the later days of school most of the bullying stopped but I got the occasional 'fat' comment and various other pupils hit me occasionally for various reasons) but I was never bullied on account of my sexuality as I kept that well and truly to myself. But then again, living in the closet is not good for you and I still feel that i'm a bit strange even now.

As for the S&M, that has also caused me a lot of problems, I mean I've never really done anything other than written some erotic fiction, enjoyed self-bondage numerous times [usually when CDing, although as I said before CDing isn't just about S&M with me] and looked at various [straight] bondage/S&M pics and fiction. Nevertheless, I still seem to hate myself a lot for it and I often fear that someone who knows me will find out and scream 'pervert' etc.... and never think of me in the same way again.This gets me VERY paranoid. Also, BDSM is the only aspect of my sexuality that I'm not really 'out' about [I've mentioned it to a gay friend once over MSN and also talked about it on these forums but that's all].

I mean, then there is the issue of self-hatred and I have to say that this is probably second only to paranoia/fear in terms of negative emotions my sexuality has caused. I mean, I still tend to view myself as some sort of 'pervert' most of the time [mainly due to my liking of S&M] and I often lack self-confidence because of this and often feel paranoid/intense fear in certain social situations. As for my CDing side, I have to admit that this often leads to self-hatred but in a different way to that caused by S&M what tends to happen is that I may go through a brief 'feminine' phase where I will make a lot of female friends, have many less S&M fantasies than usual [I think they're probably a subconscious way of repressing my feminine side], feel more confident and emotional, act a little more effeminate than usual, wish that I could wear dresses/skirts every day and be beautiful/confident/relaxed without anyone seeing it as 'abnormal'(yeah, women always seem more confident/relaxed/social than men, this often tends to intimidate me a bit). Surprisingly, I feel a LOT more straight than usual when I'm in a 'feminine' mood but this tends to be more focused on love/relationships than sex [normally, I can't stand the idea of a straight relationship]

However, these feminine phases really don't seem to last for long [the last serious one was a few weeks in very late 2004/ early 2005, although there have been a couple of nights in uni when I've felt ultra-femme] and then there is the rebound and self-hatred. I usually end up becoming ultra-masculine [yet still enjoy my alternative wardrobe] and often have a deep hatred towards anyone/anything even remotely female/feminine. I think I went through one of those phases a few weeks ago as I found myself using the term 'poofy' to describe feminine things [which shocks me when I look back on it but it seemed ok at the time], heavily criticised camp stuff (when I'm in a feminine mood I tend to be quite camp and use words like 'fantabulous' a lot) and felt an extremely strong dislike towards most women. But this tends to go round in a cycle and as such it is rather strange/fucked up - unfortunately the confident, relaxed, social etc.... femininine side tends to appear a lot less than the self-hating side. Strangely enough, I feel much stronger same-sex attractions when in ultra-masculine mode despite being more straight-acting and sometimes mildly homophobic

As for shrinks, psychologists and all that stuff. Can't say I've ever properly went to one [went to a counsellor for a few weeks in school but didn't even mention sexuality, I think it was more to do with my mildly unstable/highly stressed state of mind in those early years of school] and to be honest I doubt it would do most good. I know that mental health stuff has changed a lot, but the thought of being labelled as unstable, pumped full of mind-bending drugs or ending up in an institution doesn't really appeal to me, I'd much rather try to live as much of a normal life as possible. I guess, I cope pretty well except for feeling intense fear/nervousness/paranoia in various social situations and possibly a bit of self loathing [eg: seeing myself as some kind of 'pervert/freak'] etc... But then again, I've lived with that sort of thing for the past few years and although the paranoia/fear does annoy me a bit, its just become part of my life.

Sorry about the excessive length of my post but I've had a lot to talk about lol.

Izzfan :flag3: