Straight man in a relationship with a bi woman looking for advice

[quelly]

Hi, this is my first post on this forum, and I'm a straight man, and I've recently moved in with my bi-girlfriend. We are very in love and we have a great relationship, great communication, and great sex. She has never acted on her bisexuality, never had the opportunity, and until now, always thought she would eventually, without it being a problem.
She has never been in a relationship with this open of communication, she always assumed that she would get a chance to sleep with a woman, and even if she had a boyfriend at the time, that it would be no problem, wouldnt hurt anyone, wouldnt be "cheating" etc.
Being with me, she has come to realize that I would feel hurt despite the gender of whomever she slept with outside of our relationship, because it is a break of intimacy, sharing something that is kept between us with someone else. I am not someone who can do a poly style relationship and she doesnt think she could either; seeing the issue in a new light.
To be clear on her sexuality, she has never had the urge to date a MOTSS but she has always, since she can remember, been attracted to both sexes, but attracted to women sexually, ie she has never felt romantic love for a woman, just an attraction.
What I need advice on, is simply on any things that we should do to better have this relationship. I am ok with her being bisexual, it doesnt bother me at all and I dont feel threatened. But, she has expressed a few times the desire to sleep with a woman, and is confused/worried that she may want or need to act on that. Now, the only times she is confused/worried and brings it up is when she has had a bit to drink, when she is sober she is her analytical, rational self that says "just like being attracted to other men, its just somthing I don't act on, its not worth messing this up"

It doesnt seem so cut and dry to me. I keep her sexually satisified, but I can only be a man, because that's what I am. I can't satisfy her sexual fantasies about women, and its understandable to me if she didn't feel satisfied without ever experiencing sex with a woman. BUT, we both want to have a committed monogamous relationship...so basically I am just asking for general advice for anyone who's been in this position.

Has anyone else been in a straight/bi monogomous relationship? what problems did you run into? how did you deal with them? what advice can you give us?

[arana]

Quelly, You and your girlfriend sound like you have a great, open relationship. I understand you both wanting to be committed to one another and not wanting to break that bond. I can tell you from experience that she can stay truly devoted to only you if she so choses to and be very happy with that, but she will always have that curiousity in the back of her mind. How you both handle it is a personal choice, no one can tell you what is really right for you to do because every couple and individual within it is different. The way they handle and react to things is different. Keeping things open and honest is the best thing you can do with her. Discuss everything and be understanding. My biggest mistake with my husband was thinking I could push away my bi-feelings and with time they'd go away, but they don't. The way you feel for people generally stays with you forever.

Best of luck to you and your girlfriend!

[codybear3]

I would not qualify to answer your question. Arana just about said it all. If your relationship is as good as you state, would it be possible to step back for a while to let her act on her desire? Perhaps this is an option you may want to discuss. I wish you both the best in finding a way to remedy both your concerns. :)

[bigregory]

Hmmmm.
I guess get a blow up girl for her ,wont be the same as a real girl.
Or better yet say GO to her.
Thats every mans dream to have/watch 2 girls ..
if your really lucky she will bring home a guy.
Enjoy life/your girl,and anything eles that comes along...
Don't try and fight it. :2cents:
Sorry to be of no help to you.
greg :flag2:

[Bi-ten]

Hi Quelly,

I believe that Arana is right, these feelings will not go away and I fear your girlfriend will always wonder what it would be like. For me, I was able to control my curiousity for a while, eventually it consumed me...and finally I conceded.

No one can tell you the right thing to do in this situation, you have to follow your heart. If you let her go and support her, this will be an amazing and unselfish act of love that I trust she will never forget. If you can't do that...well no one can blame you for being human.

Its your call, but it sounds like you and your girlfriend have something special...so hang in there and be good to each other.

Hugs

[m.in.heels&hose]

Hello quelly, i am just going to give you my situation, and how my wife and i have "learned" to deal with my being bi (she is straight)

I told my wife (then girlfriend) 2 weeks into dating, and she did not run away and hide (like some had) she told me "this does not change the person you are, and the person i fell in love with"

now we both allow each other to "play" out side of the marriage, as long as we are up front and honest with each other, and SAFE about our play (no surprises)

this has worked very well in our nearly 12 years of marriage
i do not really recommend this for anyone, and it may not be the right situation for every body!

but thank you for letting me have my say, and i truly hope the 2 of you can work something out that will please the both of you!! :)

[quelly]

i sincerely appreciate all the advice, to make one thing clear, I have told my girlfriend that if she ever feels the need to go out and be with a woman she can do that if she really needs it and we can try to work with that, but, although she thanks me for that, she doesn't want to act on it, and she wants to keep our relationship monogamous, so just to make it clear, I've given her that opportunity, and once again thanks for the words of encouragement and advice

[gina42]

i sincerely appreciate all the advice, to make one thing clear, I have told my girlfriend that if she ever feels the need to go out and be with a woman she can do that if she really needs it and we can try to work with that, but, although she thanks me for that, she doesn't want to act on it, and she wants to keep our relationship monogamous, so just to make it clear, I've given her that opportunity, and once again thanks for the words of encouragement and advice


quelly,
i hope all works out with you and your gal but now is the time to be open and honest with her and ask any questions you might have.
where she does have these bi feeling and still wants to have a monogamous relationship with you,maybe she might be afraid that you would be hurt you..
love is'nt about change but excepting them and loving the person as they are,but that is me and how i feel..see m.in.heels&hoses is my husband and in dec it will be 12 years of marriage and i knew in the very beging of our relationship and what he and arana gave you for advice was well put.
if you ever have any question,this chatt room is great on advice and lots of good people too...take care,gina42 :)

[SweetAmy]

I have been bicurious and have NEVER acted on my curiousity....
My husband is totally fine with it...he loves it actually...what man doesnt?
I am very glad my man is not insecure.....that would drive me nuts if he was...
Let her do her thing...try a woman and if your relationship is really strong you 2 will still be happy and stay together. Those are my thoughts...

Amy :cool:

[gypsy2522]

I'm bi, but perfer men. I really enjoy being in monogamous relationships with men. The first time my attraction to women became a problem i was nineteen and i was engaged and it was my first love and ohhhh how i loved him. But i was struggling with a craving to be with a girl. Anyone who's bi knows the difference of being with a guy and being with a girl and it's not just psyhically it's emotionally too. The fiancee couldn't handle it and it tore us apart. And it really deeply upset me, as i felt so torn from it all. I had a few flings with women after, but..i was never comfortable in relationships with them. I don't understand why! I just perferred it being friends with benefits. The next long term relationship i was in with a guy, i did cheat on him with a girlie mate. It was just the once. But i felt afterwards that that was that. The craving went away and everything went back to normal. I knew it was wrong...but i felt that i needed to. To get it out of my system.

Now i'm in another long term relationship with a guy, who i truely love and he's the guy i want to be with for always. I want to get married to this guy. The feelings we have for each other are very much mutual, very much commited to each other. But i still...crave. And it's starting to get me down. I love being with him, i love our relationship, no faults at all. But it's hard expressing all of myself to him, when i have to put aside part of myself, that's a big part of who i am. We talk openly about what type of girl i like, what female celebrities i fancy, etc. But i just, feel like i can't talk to him seriously about it. That he would just see me as 'cheating', but there's no emotions in it like i have with him. If that makes sense.

I really thing you guys are amazing and i really wish my boyfriend would be able to talk about this like that. So open and understanding. It's hard and i don't want to love him. Your girlfriend is a very lucky girl is all i can say.