Help understanding this guy

[SaltedWound]

Sorry for having to ask about this herre, and for it being such a long post, not really sure a strictly gay forum would be much help.

So I'm gay, like fully, never been the tiniest bit interested in any woman gay. That's just an fyi. So I recently (its been about a month) met this local guy online. He responded to an ad I had posted looking for a fwb or possibly something more serious eventually, trying to get myself out of a bad depression and self imposed social isolation after my last ltr ended badly.

So he contacted me, offering to be a friend, lending an ear because he knows how sucky being depressed and single can be. So during our initial emails I just assumed he was straight from things he said, but after spilling my guts about my depression in detail via email I guess he felt comfortable enough to tell me he is bi, but that he's only recently accepted it and hasn't told anyone. Ok, so we can lean on each other and just talk if we need to. We texted for another few days, then comes the pic exchange request from him. Turns out while I think I'm totally average, he's 14 years younger than myself (he's mid twenties), and Really good looking. But after the pics were exchanged he said he wanted to meet up.

That right there kinda scared me a little, never been very comfortable around really good looking guys, especially Younger good looking guys. But he's also really kind, smart, funny, etc. Nothing to put me off, so we met.

The first meeting was cool, a little awkward as most first times hanging out with a new person can be. We hung out talking for hours, and after he left he emailed me to say he was glad we met, and that he'd wished he'd had the nerve to make a move on me. I actually kind of felt the same, not even thinking he was into me as anything other than a friend, so we agreed to meet again. This time we pretty much went straight into foreplay/sex/hanging out all night, which was awesome.

Met again on Friday for a late dinner, and he made several comments about a woman that walked by, another that was at the bar, like check out the ass on her, look at the rack on that one. Ok, slightly uncomfortable for me, but I don't say anything. Next we head back to his place, and I'm thinking it's going to be another night together. We get in, start talking, he tells me he was (past tense, ex-wife) married, for a short time, and that he has three small children. I'm kinda shocked he hadn't mentioned it before, but ok, I really like this guy, so I can deal.

But then he hits me with a Hey, by the way, I'm dating this really hot married chick, I fuck her every morning after her husband leaves for work, wanna see pics of her? Ummm, uh, I'm speechless, starting to feel sick...He hugs me, kisses me, hugs me again and says I can hang out for a little bit before his other female friend comes over to hang, and I can come back later. Then later txts to cancel because another female friend decided to stop over after the other one left. He didn't say, and I couldn't bring myself to ask, so no real idea if he's fucking them as well.

I don't know what the hell to think now, is this typical behavior? Am I being used for him to test out being bi? I really started to like him, first guy in a few years of being alone that started to make me feel ok, but now I don't know, I feel confused, and a bit disgusted, that an hour after I was in his bed making out and sucking him off, that he was in that same bed fucking a married chick. I just don't know how to handle this. Break things off, keep seeing him, I don't know what to think.

[void()]

First, c'mere. *HUGS*

Second, I wouldn't waste another thought, or tear on him. Sure it may have been good for a little. You deserve so much better though, hon. You know that for yourself too. You needing somebody to say it for you though. Well, there you go. You do deserve a whole world better.

You need someone that is honest with you. If someone is screwing around on someone else, already, they will likely screw around on you too. If they aren't telling you they got someone else already, that is deception not honesty. I'm not judging him though. Not judging you either.

I prefer being honest. To me love is worth that. Sex is too. Sure some can do sex without love or vise versa. Some of us do not, cannot. We're whole people, full beings. There's no shame in that. It does not make you any less deserving of respect, courtesy, honesty.

He chose being dishonest. That's on him. It is not on you. You only answer to you. Let him answer to him. I find for myself a simple guideline works. I do not cheat on my wife, or any lover. I do not knowingly help others cheat either. For me cheating is the choice of being dishonest, to enjoy other intimacy with other people. I will tell my wife I'm going to go have sex with a guy, after she meets him over a cordial dinner.

I don't play fair with life though. I love people. That for me keeps everything simple, too simple for many others. It also means I know I deserve some of the best. You do too. We all do. So, let him leave your mind and anywhere else he crept into. Go back out there and find someone who will love you for you, find someone that will be honest. Can I say it'll be easy? No. Can say it's worth it though to get back up in the saddle so to speak.

Hope the best for you. :)

[sysper]

sorry to hear ur previous relationship ended :( i don't know what ur going through but it must suck! it sounds like ur a 1 man man but ur new friend isn't. maybe he was being dishonest by hiding the fact he's dating other people, maybe he honestly thinks u assume he sleeps around & actual other people just never came into conversation. i wouldn't get so upset over that. unless u told him upfront ur looking for a monogomous relationship & he agreed. what i'd be more upset about is him cancelling ur date after someone else decided to show up instead. he should of told her he had plans. which he did. lack of respect for u. also it's pretty insensitive to show u girls he thinks are hot when u are clearly not interested. if ur looking for cheap sex which is perfectly ok i would barely consider him, otherwise if ur looking for any little bit more than that u would be better off on ur own.

[SaltedWound]

Since he told me about the married woman it's all I can see. When I close my eyes I don't see the two of us in bed, I see him and her, which isn't pleasant for me at all. I'm also thinking, do I want to be miserable alone again, or do I want to be miserable and still be able to lay in bed holding him? I don't know which is going to be worse.

[sysper]

kinda sounds like he's just the wrong person for u, if u see someone else with him not u.

[cuttin2dachase]

My preference in men is married/divorced bi men. I don't exclude interested gay men, but I don't get a lot of email or chat interest from gay men because I make it clear upfront in my online profiles and during chat that I am only looking for friendship and casual sex and that I do see other men and women. It's a red flag for them unless they too are looking only for friendship and casual sex. The few gay men who do still want to meet are OK with it. If and when we do meet, there is no misunderstanding and there is no drama or hurt feelings.

Most bi men assume that if a gay man knows they are bisexual before they meet, that is all they need to know. The bi man also assumes that the gay man is only looking for casual sex as he (the bi man) is. Hurt feelings and drama often ensue. I'm sorry it happened to you, but you learned something about bisexual men from it. This guy is no good for you if you are looking for love or an exclusive ltr. At least you have the memory of some awesome sex and your period of isolation is over. Don't spend any more time regretting the experience. Get out there and find a man who is looking for more than sex :)

[SaltedWound]

What I'm taking away with me from this experience with him is that I'm just better off being alone. Going to tell him tonight. Thanks for the input everyone.

[cuttin2dachase]

You're right to tell him goodbye. You are not right to give up and stay alone because this attraction did not work out. It will affect your physical and mental health to feel sorry for yourself and not keep trying to find the man you want. If it takes 100 one night stands or flings to find the man you want, it will be well worth it. DON'T GIVE UP !

[SaltedWound]

Thanks, sincerely thanks, but that's just not me. I've never enjoyed one night stands, hookups, or random sexual encounters. Seems thge only way to meet guys today is by hooking up, and I just don't enjoy that. Trust me, I'm better off in my hermit cave alone.

[James1A1]

Saltedwound, I am sorry about your encounter with this guy. As I read your story, I felt like his behavior was incredibly rude. His behavior would be incredibly rude to anyone (guy or girl). I only wish that you do not let a jerk let you lose hope. I also hope that you learn and appreciate your own self worth.
Ok, having said these things to you with sincerity....
I have been on the other side.
I had an older gay guy pursue me and take me home.
He was so sexy due to his overall character and subdued confidence.
I am not promiscuous.
He naturally hit all my buttons and respect.
We exclusively dated for a couple weeks.
I was totally honest with him, I was up front telling him I had always loved only girls. I told him I was not sure about if my feelings of respect, closeness, sex, etc would ever develop into love.
He wanted me....I wanted him.
After every enounter with him, I was happy, pleased and thankful. I made sure he knew I was sincere.
And after all this transformation in my head that I cannot explain, he tells me that he needs space. I'm surprised to say the least! We would spend the day doing stuff we both enjoyed (both masculine) and end up sexually happy in bed.
It is after I tell him this that he tells me he needs space from me because he is becoming too emotionally attached to me. He needs to protect himself.
I am not angry with him. I absolutely know he would never want me to be hurt.
But my confusion.
I openly told and repeated warned him at first that originally I was concerned that I may not connect with him emotionally other than being a great buddy. I had for weeks been telling him that my feelings towards him were always increasing and were good, and they were feelings I never felt before towards a guy. I told him I didn't understand the changes in me. I did say I was always appreciative of him and was happy for these changes.
As I tell him happily that he has let me remove my wall of separation...
He tells me he must build his. And it is because of me.
Total confusion.
Yet I still hope.
Peace

[Christopher South]

Look... you said you posted an ad looking for a fwb and "possibly" more. What you got was a fwb.

Had you posted looking for a serious relationship or a ltr with one guy, or an exclusive fwb, then I can see you got the wrong guy. But you didn't. You got a guy who was a "friend" by all accounts, had "benefits" with him and without the commitment of exclusivity.

You also mention that you don't want casual sex or a hook-up, but you advertised for a fwb... not much different if you ask me.

You don't have to crawl back into your cave. Be specific about what you want (and don't want). If you're looking for a ltr, then you don't want a fwb. You want to date someone and see how the relationship develops. I see ads from guys all the time looking for someone who wants a relationship, not a casual hook-up.

[SaltedWound]

Thing is for a month he said a lot of things making me believe one way, leaving out those really important details, then after we finally had sex say "Oh, by the way...".

Things might've played out differently had he told me from the start about what he's doing. Moot point now as everything's over.

Already back in my cave, deleted all my accounts, deleted the apps. Going through shit like this, feeling like this, just isn't worth it. Being completely alone is really hard and it sucks so much, but feeling like this is a thousand times worse, so it's just not worth it.

[void()]

Being completely alone is really hard and it sucks so much, but feeling like this is a thousand times worse, so it's just not worth it.

It is indeed worth it to find someone that suits your desires. Courage is setting aside fear, hurt to gain something more important. In life there is little worth more than genuine love. You'll not find love from another being hikikomori. It is love from another you need in life, too. That love helps dispel all the negatives you face, it is your guiding light through any storm.

You have a thread open here. Why not make further use of it? It is relatively safe to post what you do want from another guy. Let other guys here at least know what you want. You might find someone that meets your criteria, willing to meet with you, to date. You do not know until you try. If you try and fumble, get right back up and try again. You only fail if you give up.

We are not here criticizing you directly. We're here trying to offer you help to find what you want. Others are pointing out you may not have seemed clear in what you want. Okay, that's not bad. You can clarify what you want and try again. Right here in the forum, it's only words until you choose making it more. If someone seems like a nut job you're not interested in, don't reply to them. If on the other hand, you find someone you like, reply to them, maybe even send private messages.

A guy here using the handle elian took two years of communicating with me on the site only before admitting he had feelings for me. We talked by using the site and got to know one another well. We met face to face a few times, we had some great fun together. I still love him despite both of us seeming to have taken dives into our own lives. We talk now and then still, but I think both of us are just busy living. That happens.

I might see another guy, I might not. I'm free to do that. He's free to do likewise as well. My point is, we didn't give up and still haven't. We used this site as a means to date somewhat. In our talks we grew to know enough from each other to know we had to meet in person. He knew I was a reformed axe murder but still took a chance. :) Yep, I murdered axes by splitting firewood. Giving up lets you die a coward's death and cowards die a thousand times. You don't want that, we don't either.

Tell us what you do want here. Someone might fit, or know someone that does and send them to you.

[elian]

I'm glad to see that you had the courage to at least try, that means something good so don't get down on yourself. ..and obviously he must have been nervous to tell you the truth but at least he did. Having said that you have a right to be in a relationship where you feel comfortable and if you aren't comfortable with this man you will find another one - it may take a while. I personally wouldn't be comfortable with it but there is a whole spectrum of folks out there with different thoughts. beliefs and desires. My personal desire is for a committed relationship but not everyone feels that way. The other thing I tell people when I try to describe bisexuality is that it isn't necessarily what's between the legs that draws me to someone - it's the whole person. I always found the whole "double your chances for getting lucky" cliche to be painful - Good relationships can take a long time to form and a lot of hard work. Frankly online dating sucks, but it's better than a bar. By and large I have always been romantically and physically attracted to males but I would be lying to you if I said that watching a woman pleasure herself doesn't turn me on. I've never heard a gay man say that.

[SaltedWound]

I was just going to log out and delete the bookmark, never coming back. Opened the page for one last read through. Thanks void, for taking the time to write that. The hikikomori thing, had never heard of that, but after reading about it it's been me for two+ years now, up until this last guy brought me out for a tiny bit. Add in depression, anxiety, and low self esteem and that's really been me since my last relationship ended. The only time I leave the house is for cigarettes and groceries one day a week. Out and right back home again.

I don't want to feel this again, been crying pretty much non stop since I broke things off with him. Once this eventually passes and I block him out of my mind that's it. I really can't do this ever again. If that's cowardly then that's ok. I just won't survive another encounter like this. Thank you so much though.

[pole_smoker]

Look... you said you posted an ad looking for a fwb and "possibly" more. What you got was a fwb. Had you posted looking for a serious relationship or a ltr with one guy, or an exclusive fwb, then I can see you got the wrong guy. But you didn't. You got a guy who was a "friend" by all accounts, had "benefits" with him and without the commitment of exclusivity. You also mention that you don't want casual sex or a hook-up, but you advertised for a fwb... not much different if you ask me. You don't have to crawl back into your cave. Be specific about what you want (and don't want). If you're looking for a ltr, then you don't want a fwb. You want to date someone and see how the relationship develops. I see ads from guys all the time looking for someone who wants a relationship, not a casual hook-up. Exactly. It's not as though the original poster and this guy said that they were in a monogamous relationship together, and both agreed and wanted this. If they original poster did not want a fuck buddy then why did he have sex with this guy, or keep seeing him like he did? I hope the original poster gets some help for his mental health issues. Good luck.

[void()]

Exactly. It's not as though the original poster and this guy said that they were in a monogamous relationship together, and both agreed and wanted this. If they original poster did not want a fuck buddy then why did he have sex with this guy, or keep seeing him like he did? I hope the original poster gets some help for his mental health issues. Good luck.

All that may be the case, there was no exclusivity asked, the OP continued with enjoying the sex. Fine. That is still no reason for you to choose being so abrasive and belittling. The OP may, or may not have mental health issues. That is irrelevant to offering guidance and possible solutions to a problem.

Whilst your expression of hoping they get help may seem positive, it is in fact negative in its contention and context. The subtext is "I'm superior to your inferiority and do not need being empathetic." Shortly, it's rude at best. It is also unwarranted, unmerited, not needed.

It is unwarranted because the OP did not specifically ask you for anything. Unwarranted to because the OP was not causing you any loss at all. You chose to read the OP's expression of a problem. You did not need to read it. You would have lost nothing in not reading it. You would have lost nothing in not commenting on it.

It has no merit because as in countless times before, you'll refuse answering me a simple question. Who, or what grants your ultimate authority? How is it you're qualified to say the OP has mental health issues? What authority do you have that merits your subjective opinion being of any value? Where do you attain such authority? May I contact the granter of your authority, to ensure they did indeed grant you that authority? Ergo, your commentary holds no merit.

Your commentary was not needed, The OP had at least three other posters offering empathy, guidance and positively constructive suggestions to solve the problem expressed. No one needed anyone else further to comment, much less to belittle, degrade the OP.

You keep choosing to appear in this rude manner. Can you not see it causes people to desire not conversing with you? It also gives people your actions for disliking. Your actions reflect upon you. It is your choice in choosing to keep on acting as you do, to write here as you do. Those choices ultimately reflect poorly on you.

I would hold you in higher esteem if you perhaps exercised choices congruent with your alleged erudition. As it is, your continued negative choices degrade any form of respect, empathy, humanity I may feel toward you. They also cause me to think you're stating your educational status falsely.

Of course, it ultimately does not matter. This is the Internet after all, no one can tell if you're dog, as the expression goes. Still, it would be nice if you chose not being so damn rude. I do think you're capable of not being rude. I also think global peace can be attained by acting peacefully. I'm optimistic and maybe a bit idealistic. So what?

[SaltedWound]

Just wanted to post an update, got back with him and it's really killing me. We talked again, I just missed him so much, told him that I really like him and was sorry for saying I couldn't see him anymore. So we're back to the way things were before. Him not knowing how much I really love him, him saying how he's in love with the married chick. When we're together he initiates cuddling, hugging, snuggling, we both initiate kissing, touching, and I initiate sex when I see he's hard. But then he texts her when we're together, she texts him and he always replies. Her picture is his cell wallpaper. Just now we had spent the entire night together, had sex just before i left, and now while on the phone with him he told me she showed up. I could even hear her in the background talking. It's actually like a pain in my chest and a really bad body shaking panic attack feeling. When we're together it's the happiest I've been in years, mixed with feeling like my soul is cracking when he talks about her and texts her. I can't say anything about how I feel because I don't want to lose him again, but I honestly feel like killing myself. Not as in Oh just saying it for attention. I've been thinking about it just so I won't have to keep feeling like this. I have the how settled in my mind, I just can't bring myself to actually do it. It's like the onky thing stopping me is how much I want to see him again. I know I'm fucked up, just have no one to talk to about this.

[OlderBC1]

Sounds to me like that grand first prize, is slowly wearing thin?! I'd walk! It's bloody rude of him to text her & all while in bed with you, geez! The principle, (you) should, leave the stage. The crowd don't...understand.

[sysper]

u have got some intense feelings for this guy. alot of times we don't ask for these feelings but we have them. hopefully these feelings give us joy & happiness but sometimes we have to deal with them. it must be so hard to deal with an attraction u have got for someone who doesn't have the same feelings for u. i should know story of my fuckin life. believe me i have thought of killing myself too. i can never have what i need the most. who wants that? but somehow i live on. fantasizing about the opposite of my sexual orientation helps sometimes :) it must be so hard to see someone u desire & let go. the thought of being with them makes u happy. but it doesn't go beyond that. i think ur going to this guy because it's convenient for u. it feels better to think ur getting at least something from him, than being alone with ur thoughts. but ur fooling urself, ur only getting the appearance of getting a little of what u really need. after a nite of hot passion, what does that get u? a call from her. this guy is cockteasing u whether he knows it or not. nobody needs that! taking a call from a fwb while ur with another fwb is incredibly rude. i guess unless he has in mind arranging a 3sum. shows how much he really thinks of u. it seems harder to stay away completely rather than get dragged in by temptation of just a taste. please, keep working on urself. ur torturing urself by constantly reminding urself of something u can't really have. the better u remove urself from him, the more at peace with urself u will be. also the better chance u got to meet someone u might like who would also appreciate u, that u wouldn't meet if u were stuck at this dead end. don't u want the togatherness to be mutual? u deserve that peace. it's a hard road ahead but all good things that are worth it take alot of work.

[pole_smoker]

Just wanted to post an update, got back with him and it's really killing me. We talked again, I just missed him so much, told him that I really like him and was sorry for saying I couldn't see him anymore. So we're back to the way things were before. Him not knowing how much I really love him, him saying how he's in love with the married chick. When we're together he initiates cuddling, hugging, snuggling, we both initiate kissing, touching, and I initiate sex when I see he's hard. But then he texts her when we're together, she texts him and he always replies. Her picture is his cell wallpaper. Just now we had spent the entire night together, had sex just before i left, and now while on the phone with him he told me she showed up. I could even hear her in the background talking. It's actually like a pain in my chest and a really bad body shaking panic attack feeling. When we're together it's the happiest I've been in years, mixed with feeling like my soul is cracking when he talks about her and texts her. I can't say anything about how I feel because I don't want to lose him again, but I honestly feel like killing myself. Not as in Oh just saying it for attention. I've been thinking about it just so I won't have to keep feeling like this. I have the how settled in my mind, I just can't bring myself to actually do it. It's like the onky thing stopping me is how much I want to see him again. I know I'm fucked up, just have no one to talk to about this.
Why did you get back together with this guy or start to see him and communicate with him again when you posted about how you were annoyed with him, and jealous about how he's with other people besides you even though you did not agree to be monogamous, exclusive, or in any sort of actual relationship or partnership at all?

Don't kill yourself, and instead get help. Seriously.

[Realist]

I agree that you're in an untenable situation and it's eating you alive!

You asked for help to understand this guy, but you're so desperate and lonely, that you're unable to see the facts. Unless you can relax and enjoy a less-than-permanent relationship, your heart is going to be broken over and over again. You're settling for less than you want and as long as you're with him, I doubt you will ever be happy. He's not a person to make long-term plans with!

The facts, as I see them are: He's a handsome, sensual male, with a huge libido. He's young, good-looking, and happily fucking anything he can get his hands on. Regardless of your feelings, he's going to get all he can, while he can, from whoever he can!

You're looking for a permanent situation with a temporary person.....sorry, but you're building your castle on sandy ground. Trust me, he will tire of you, the married lady, and anyone else who shows up, for a long time to come.

One other thought: There's no telling who he's been with, or who they've been with! If any one of them are ill, with who knows what, he is apt to share it with everyone he is fucking!

Suicide: That is no way to deal with painful issues. While you're alive, there is hope and a chance that you might meet someone who will love you the way you want them to. There is someone out there, who will care for you, appreciate how you feel about them, and maybe you can have a rewarding relationship with them.

But, who knows what's in store for us after we die?

At least, as long as you're alive, there's possibilities. You can't allow one persons insensitivity ruin your life! Or can you?

I've read the posts above and there's some insightful and bright advice, there.

Keep coming here, lean on some of the more intelligent and empathetic members.....you may learn more about yourself and, with their help, determine the best course of action to take. There's some wonderful, caring folks, here, and they genuinely want you to succeed. I do, too.

I came here a little over 8 years ago, after a ruined relationship; I was sad, lonely, and felt hopeless. But, I not only found the love of my life, but some great friends, who understood bisexual issues and helped me through those sad times.

Don't try to handle this alone and don't give up! As long as you're breathing, there's hope!

Good luck!