Telling wife

[Joff870]

I am looking for advice. I am a married man who has been completely monogamous for forty years. Have always been attracted to men and now very curious about what sex with a man would be like. Am planning to meet a man I met on AFF for lunch and to determine whether we want to meet up at a later time to have sex together. My wife has low sex drive, never initiates sex, oral only if I ask and never to orgasm, and even sometimes has to be encouraged to touch my cock during sex. Other than sex we are compatible and enjoy doing things together.
I think she suspects that I am sexually attracted to men ( has found me reading about gay sex and gay fiction).
Should I tell her my plans before I meet the man for lunch, before we meet for sex the first time, only if it becomes an on going thing or not at all. I think telling her would probably end my marriage .

[steve10557]

It's always cosy maintaining the status quo isn't it, but living a lie also harms all concerned in the end. If you do the right thing and come clean, maybe you'll break up your marriage, maybe not if you do it with compassion and honesty, but at least you will have a clean conscience. Sometimes wives can be pretty understanding... shock, horror!

[tenni]

I think most advice about your situation given on this site and other is communication. I would suggest the closer to the truth in small packages of information is the best approach.

Your forty year relationship seems not to have dealt with the different opinions about sex based on what you wrote. That is a huge issue to try to resolve.
Since she has found you reading gay sex fiction, did you say anything at that time or quickly hide it?
I would suggest that you sit her down and give a small package of information. The first piece of information may be that you find yourself wondering what it would be like to touch another man penis. It is something that you have been wondering. See how she reacts to that. If it is true that you still love her, you should strongly emphasize the love that you have for her. Point out that your curiosity has nothing to do with how deeply you love her as a life partner etc. Listen to her reaction. Try not to react to any strong negatives about are you gay? etc. Answer the question (with no). If the can of worms opens (no sex) at that point…well…talk and listen…then take a break and talk listen.

As far as acting on your desire to suck a man off. It may be best to wait and see for a bit of time after you disclose your curiosity. I empathize with your lack of sex and under the circumstance I know many men do turn to men for sex when there has been none at home for a long time. I don't advice disclosing your plans initially for a good amount of time. She may try to become sexual again. If you are bisexual, you will still want sex with a man.

Small steps..remember.

[void()]

Do you love her/him for herself/himself, as is?
Does she/he love you for yourself, as is?

If so it is likely she/he will be understanding and appreciate your honesty.
If not my apologies, may be time for moving along.

[Gearbox]

Just ask her how she feels about you meeting a man for NSA sex. Explain why you feel that you have to do it, that it's not just a whim, and that you wouldn't do it if it wasn't important to you.
Hopefully she'll feel included in your 'new predicament' and want to understand and help too.
Don't expect that to happen straight away! You've had more time to think about things than she has.

Have to agree that if she can't tolerate it, the marriage should end, sadly.
Good luck!

[Hypersexual11]

If what I'm reading is accurate, she is aware that you enjoy reading about the gay lifestyle but she has never brought this up with you. This indicates that she may not want to know anything. Ignore it and maybe it will go away. If you drop it on her that you are going out on a date, you are probably right, she may not be there when you get home. I don't think that telling her about the date, or plan for a date would be considered communication. More of a brick wall falling on her. IF you want to salvage the marriage, listen to Tenni. Drop your current plans, flake on the guy, I'm sure you won't be the first. (can I get an Amen here?)
Take it slow and hope for the best. I understand your feelings. When I was admitting my bisexuality to my wife, I was packing as I was telling her. I assumed she would want me gone. Never know.

[cuttin2dachase]

My 1st wife and I were swingers and she had a fantasy to watch me have oral sex with other men as part of the warm up and foreplay in our mfm 3somes. She kept coaxing me and coaxing me until I finally tried it in a 4some with a bi couple. He sucked me hard first with wives watching and helping then I returned the favor with their help and encouragement! Needless to say, I enjoyed it immensely and have liked and enjoyed oral fun with men ever since. Our focus soon shifted to mfm 3somes and we rarely met couples again unless my hotwife had the hots for the hubby. In other words, I never told the wife I was bi...she told me she wanted ME to be bi LOL. We split up and divorced some years later after enjoying a very wild sex life together up until the end. It was over her unwillingness to curb her abuse of alcohol and party drugs and her financial irresponsibility and had nothing to do with my bisexuality or our swinging lifestyle. After our divorce I explored the world of one on one sex with men and as the single man in mfm 3somes with married couples. I continued this lifestyle as a divorced male until I met the woman who would become my 2nd wife.

I loved her very much, but sexually, she was 180 degrees opposite my 1st wife. She was quite dull in bed, and actually preferred sucking me to completion over fucking, which I never complained about LOL. When we dated, I told her about the swinging with 1st wife and also told her I had done things with men as part of it. She more or less shrugged it off and said my past was none of her business and she didn't want to hear any more about it. She also told me in no uncertain terms that she would never swing with me or tolerate any affairs with women or men. I loved her very much and gave up my pursuit of swinging and bi sex, although I often fantasized about men and couples. After 12 years together (10 married) I discovered she had been carrying on a secret affair with a married businessman since before we began dating. I was devastated and left her a few months later. What a fool I was ! As soon as I began living on my own again, I immediately began seeking and meeting bi men and swinging couples again and I never looked back. I will never suppress or give up my natural sexual self to anyone, ever again.

If I am fortunate to meet another woman and develop feelings for her, I will tell her of my past, present and of my sexual desires, but I will not continue a relationship with her unless it is an agreed-upon open relationship.

[tenni]

cuttin2dachase

What an interesting and frustrating life you have experienced as a bisexual man. I think that the position that you are at presently needs to be held by more bisexual men.

No bisexual should suppress or give up their natural sexual/ emotional self to anyone should be the advice for all bisexual men who post on this site.

The hetero normative values that women use to restrict bisexual men seems to win out far too often based on "help me" threads started here. It doesn't matter if it is the OP or a woman (heterosexual or bisexual) coming here when she finds out her husband is bisexual.

We rarely read about bisexual women telling these stories of their male partner refusing to give them sex for years (and the bisexual woman putting up with it). We rarely read about bisexual women wanting to have sex with a woman but afraid that their husband will divorce them and take everything that they own. All be it that we rarely hear bisexual women telling this site about any relationship problems about being a bisexual.

(I still think that the OP to take it slow and easy if he wants to remain married to the heterosexual wife). ;)


"Guess the best thing for you to do is let your conscience be your guide, Sweetie."
Cat
Would that be a bisexual conscience or a hetero normative conscience? I don't think that they are the same imo. (otherwise bisexuals would feel bad about being attracted to same sex peeps…wouldn't they?)

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

What did your lady do when she saw you reading/watching Bi subjects? Some women just try to ignore whet they thought they saw and hope they were wrong. Is she open minded enough to hear what you want to tell her? I'm hoping so. Its wrong to cheat in any form, but at the same time I want to tell you to explore, discover, learn...
Guess the best thing for you to do is let your conscience be your guide, Sweetie.
Have fun, be safe.
Cat

[Bi Nudist Male]

Think long and hard. A 40 year marriage can be a real expensive and complicated thing to end.

[olivehizklosoff]

Forty f-----g years and you find that you're really not compatible except for a dinner on Saturday night? I would assume the kids are gone by now. Man, get on with your life and enjoy what's left. When they're about to throw that last shovelful on your casket, do you want your last thought do be "I did it her way!!!?" Liove life like it means something. No stone unturned! No door unopened!!!

[cuttin2dachase]

Putting it Shakespearically, the OP is faced with the proposition "to cheat or not to cheat...THAT is the question". If every other major aspect of your relationship other than your sex life is good and you love your mate, then you are faced with the same moral dilemma that billions of other men and women have faced throughout humankind's existence. You will either make the decision to go fulfill your unfulfilled, secret desires, or not. There is another cliche phrase I've heard and seen on this and other websites..."it's only cheating if you get caught". You want to do it, but what will be the consequences if you do it and get caught, knowing that once you've gone through with it, there is no going back and 'uncheating'. I didn't cheat on either of my 2 wives, although I had frequent opportunities and temptations to do so. If I am honest with others (and myself) then I have to confess that it was the fear of being caught and hurting my wife and losing her that prevented me from pursuing sex with other men and couples. If I had been sure that I could cheat on her and get away with it, I would have, because it would have in no other way affected my relationship. So there ya go OP...my advice is to not cheat unless you are 100% sure that you can do it without being caught.....

[BiCurNS]

Hi all, all good advice. From my experience telling my wife and from the people I have talked to, I'm not sure exactly about the numbers, but I'd say maybe 50 percent of the women can get past their husbands having bi/gay thoughts and 50 percent can't, 95 percent of the women can't get past being cheated on. They appreciate being loved enough by their husbands to be up front and honest. After 40 years of waiting really think about this. Only you know how she could possibly react to you telling here. It just happened to work out well for me. I know many who weren't so lucky. Tread lightly my friend and good luck whichever path you choose.
S

[BiJoe696]

It is much easier to let someone know before the relationship gets too far along your sexual desires. It sure makes life easier.

[Joff870]

Thanks for all the posts and advice. Unfortunately they haven't made the decision easier. Met the other man on Friday and we have much in common including going to the same college. He seems sane and safe and lives 34 miles away from where I live. He is unmarried and has invited me to his place to play on Friday. He has promised to go slow and respect my preferences at all times. Now must weigh risks and benefits and decide. Any other advice would be much appreciated.

[CurEUs_Male]

Stop and Breathe.
Talk to your wife. Let her know who you are and do not cheat on her with him. Since he is unmarried, he does not see the value in your marriage of 40 years. I assume there is value in it since you listed it in your first post. Do not throw it away on an afternoon fling, or cheapen it by ignoring the marriage.

If it is important to you, share it with your wife and allow her the opportunity to enter into this new phase of your life as an informed member of the group of 3.

[Hypersexual11]

Well, it sounds like you are going to go through with it. Hey, NO judgement here. I KNOW exactly how you feel and how these feelings start to boil over and they kind of blind you to reality.

A couple things you should be prepared for assuming you will not be telling your wife. The big one is the lies. You have to be able to cover your tracks. Next is the paranoia. Especially with a single guy. Like Crueus_male said, he doesnt understand the value of your marriage so he may call at horrible times and freak you out. Living a double life can be exhilarating and make you feel alive. But then it all crumbles down eventually.

[Realist]

Joff Take it from one who cheated for many years: Even though I was never caught, it began to weigh heavily upon my soul. For nearly 23 years, I had lovers and FWBs of both genders outside my marriage. Looking over my shoulders, lying, hiding, sneaking around........the paranoia began to eat inside me.

I ended up divorcing her and because of my guilt; I walked away from everything I'd built and saved, in trade for a piece of mind. That was many years ago and I've never cheated, since. I sleep better, have no deep-dark secrets, and am out to a few very close friends and my GF, too.

We each are different and although I understand your desires, I would not go down that road again. Good luck with whatever you do, but you should know hat a lot more than yourself will be affected, if you are found out!