Friend or Foe

[koda26]

So here is my dilemma and I wanted to get some advice.
I have a great friend who previously was active with both sexes. In fact we are best friends. Since my coming out he has been very supportive and doesn’t mind my occasional quizzes about this and that no matter how specific. He has had a bad time lately, divorced his wife after telling her about his past indiscretions. Which he refers too as his dark side! However, he says that he is now straight, and since the divorce has jumped from bed to bed as if to prove it and only recently settled down with one girl. Which I don’t mind, except, that I have noticed when we are together or with my wife and friends that he occasionally crosses the line with his comments and innuendos towards me. I feel like telling him to pick a side or something. I respect his position that he is straight but feel like he is not being honest with him self. He knows that I love my wife but he knows that I would not be opposed to having a relationship with him. Should I just wait for him to figure himself out? My life is all about the positives of being bisexual while his seems to be stuck focusing only on the hook up and back alleys. I am still his friend but at the same time, his insecurities and negativities regarding men are not wanted in my life. What does everyone think? Has anyone else been in a situation like this?

[JohnnyV]

Koda,

I'm sorry the situation is causing you distress. The most important thing is to let your friend define himself as he sees fit; don't try to convert him, preach to him, judge him, or intervene in his life. The only time when you should be telling him your opinion about his actions is when it affects you, as in, when he makes a pass at you. Innuendoes don't necessarily count because you may be seeing more than is really there.

Hope that helps.

J

[koda26]

Thanks JohnnyV
I guess I should clarify before “innuendos” cause posts in error. No, we have been very explicit in our discussions. He knows who I am and what I am about, and I think admires my frankness with my own sexuality and the openness my wife and I have had. Something he did not have with his ex We played the “what if” and “maybe” game. But it seems that he created some artificial barriers that he is free to cross whenever he is feeling in the mood. It’s that part that bothers me. I respect his desire, regardless of his past, of now being straight. But disagree with the occasional emotional toll it takes on me when he wants to cross that line, especially when he knows that I do like him. My wife thinks I am wearing my heart on my sleeve and should just keep it at friends.

[bigregory]

Everyone does there own thing.
Sounds to me like you fell in love.
Sorry you cant change a person.
Please keep him for a friend.
We all change sexually over our lifetimes.
Do not let that get between you 2
Better yet to laugh about it and enjoy each other as friends.
Best to you. :bipride: :bibounce:

[littlerayofsunshine]

Koda,

Be his friend. This man is having a very big battle with in himself. He has had a negative reaction to his sexuality. Some men define themselves by their sexuality what ever it maybe. He just took a big blow. He is lost and struggling. Trying to be one thing while the other can't let go. He will come to terms with it in his own way and time. If anything, he is keeping in touch with his true self and that means he can't lose it.


Now maybe i have a story that I can share.. I told hubby I was bi before we got married and that I didn't have to be with a woman ever again after I married him. I was young and thought it to be true. But about a year or so after the marriage, we were drinking around some friends. The guys were all chatting it up, I was chatting with another lady. The guys turn to look, and they see me and the lady kissing with our arms wrapped around each other. (I am sure this probably falls along the lines of party bisexual, but I since I already knew I was bisexual maybe not?) Anyway.. It didn't go any further, but hubby felt betrayed. I was totally wasted but in that condition could no longer deny the sexuality that I lived so many years before. After that, I had to be completely honest with him and tell him that I knew what I had promised, but now know That it was a one I could not keep. I had to comes to terms with it my own way.. Which was the next day. He had to do the same with coming to terms about his own bisexuality.In his own time. But luckily I had already taken the hardest part of the journey and could gently walk him through his. It ended up being one of the best things that ever happened between us.

[Nara_lovely]

When someone is in the process of redefining themselves, they act and say some pretty dumb things.
Good friends stick by them but stand firm to not use them.
Others will take advantage of the situation.

If you have the question yourself of 'friend or foe' then listen to the doubts. I'd say wait.
If he is suggesting and or antagonizing; maybe he's just trying to see himself through your reactions?
Or he's feeling so damn unsure of himself, he will push even his close friends away (a dare of sorts) to discover the 'real ones'?

Hang in there if the friendship is worth it, you know him best....

[jedinudist]

When someone is in the process of redefining themselves, they act and say some pretty dumb things.
Good friends stick by them but stand firm to not use them.
Others will take advantage of the situation.

If you have the question yourself of 'friend or foe' then listen to the doubts. I'd say wait.
If he is suggesting and or antagonizing; maybe he's just trying to see himself through your reactions?
Or he's feeling so damn unsure of himself, he will push even his close friends away (a dare of sorts) to discover the 'real ones'?

Hang in there if the friendship is worth it, you know him best....


Sage advice.