Here's a shocker... I need advice!!! Fast!!!

[justcurious4me]

Well guys and gals... I've been posting here for a little while now and here's the situation... I came out to my wife that I was bi-curious back in March of last year... This was after some wickedly heated arguements about my wife lying to me about a number of things that are near and dear to my heart. It almost ended my marriage. Yes, her lies dealt with sex in our bedroom. She kept on saying over the years that she had absolutely no sex drive what-so-ever... But yet I was seeing our sex toys constantly moved around and freshly washed when I came home from work for lunch. So, I asked her about it... I was going to encourage her more... Low and behold I was completely shocked that see lied right to my face about it. On one occasion I actually had to drop the still wet from cleaning toy in her lap and call her out. I'm not one for people lying to me...

I started suspecting more. Her attitude had completely changed and her whole demeanor towards the topic of sex between us just went completely into the basement, and not in the good way either. So, I went out and bought a DVR and started recording what was going on in the house. Sure enough, her sex drive was in overdrive, but it seemed from what I was recording that it was just herself. So I really had no problems with anything except her lying to me... We had some seriously heated arguements, one in particular on anal sex, I thought that she might have been trying it out with her toys and I've been trying to get her into that for years... She didn't clean her toys well enough that day and there was some residuals that had permiated... That is what keyed me on to it... She was seriously offended... Well, during that arguement, things got so heated up that in one shot to me she told me that, "the next thing you know, you're going to accuse me of cheating on you with XXX(female)"...

About a week later she went out shopping with XXX(female) and what I thought was going to be maybe two hours tops, turned into 6 hours... She walked in with her hair all frazzled and a big smile on her face and she smelled wierd (couldn't place it). Within an hour after she came home, she changed her panties not once but twice... Red flags going up in my head... I decided to do some laundry... Well her panties were soaking wet and smelled like sex...

Fast forward... Two days ago... Suspicions were rising again because she started lying to me again and the shots about our sex life came out again... So, I started recording with the DVR, again... Well, I caught her in the act again, but there was something strange about this one... The gasps were too close together, too quickly with the tone changes... Sure enough, after listening to it more closely, I heard my wife faintly call out a name... GAIL....

:eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek: :eek::eek::eek::eek::eek:

I know her... She's in Seattle!!!! That's one of my wife's on-line friends... And my wife went Bi? WOW... She had to have this over a Skype video chat which she records... I want to go get that MP3 to be sure... But I'm afraid of what I may find...

Well, I know I'd be hipacritical if I smacked her on that... Because I came out to her... But she kept this from me and lied a lot in the past and recently... I don't know what to say or think... She keeps on telling me that watching lesbian porn does nothing for her... But I can't trust her on this... How do I address this? What do I do or say? Christ, we're way the hell out here in Korea... 9,000 miles away...

Someone please help me? I feel worse than when I came out to her... And she seemed understanding about it...

Thanks everyone!!!

[lokione]

Well I'm pretty blunt so here goes....

The second you chose to start "recording" inside your own home it was over.

Everyone has a right to privacy, you invaded hers.

"Arguing" about sex? That should have been your "red flag", not the smell from her panties.

Time to have a sit down and "discuss" without argument what you both want. If you can't come to a peaceful solution then you both should move on. Sex inside a relationship is a major component, as are finances, children etc...

Want to find out if Im right or not? Tell her you've been recording inside the house and see how that plays out. I can tell you if I discovered my partner was reading my email, recording me in my own room, looking at my cell phone etc.... I would be gone. That is quite seriously crossing a line.

[justcurious4me]

Well, I can definitely say that no one is perfect by any means... This much is true. But when something is seriously wrong in your relationship and the other person does nothing to help except fight... Well, I think I have a right to know... Especially if it's in my own home... And medically speaking, my own body I have to worry about (if she has been doing things for real)... Right? Not trying to argue, but just trying to find peace over this whole mess.

[DuckiesDarling]

Honey, I ain't gonna comment on whether it was right or wrong to spy on your wife. I will say that the lying has to stop or there is no way for you two to get past this. Tell her, without recriminations, that you had recorded and that you want to be as understanding with her as she was with you.

I know the "without recriminations" is hard when you feel wronged, but it is important.

Hugs and good luck.

[AidanS57]

Honey, I ain't gonna comment on whether it was right or wrong to spy on your wife. I will say that the lying has to stop or there is no way for you two to get past this. Tell her, without recriminations, that you had recorded and that you want to be as understanding with her as she was with you.

I know the "without recriminations" is hard when you feel wronged, but it is important.

Hugs and good luck.

I gotta say I agree. If you cannot talk to one another without lying then it's time to make a choice. Being stationed so far away is not gonna make it a picnic if your choice is to walk away. Compromises can be made but not as long as the lying is continuing cause where there is that much dishonesty there isn't an ounce of trust. :2cents:

Aidan

[bizel]

yeah, i'm an anti-liar. when people lie, trust flies away. the more they lie, the faster it flies.

talk with her, if you can, about it. ask her to trust and respect you and your relationship. ask her not to lie anymore. ask her to be brave and put it on the table. what is going on? you can't deal with something until you know what the 'something' is. it's no good spying. two wrongs do not make a right.

remember, if you ask, you must be prepared to listen.i tell people, don't ask the question if you don't want to hear the answer. then don't do anything rash, just hear her out. think about what she says. come back to us if you need support or clarification.

if she won't be upfront with you, then you only have two choices.
live a dishonest life and grow ulcers, or move on. you're life is too precious and short to waste on someone who does not respect you. sorry, i can't make it easier than that. i know it's hard to hear. 'love' will only solve problems if you BOTH work at it. best of luck. hug, b

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

Very wise and honest answers, Darlin. They echoed almost the same thing I told you in my letter. COMMUNICATION is key here, hon, and to not lose your cool. Just lay everything out and say "Ok, for my own peace of mind I need to know what is happening" And tell her you got it on tape, but be prepared for her to have a fit. I know I would. But I think before you lay it all out you should view/listen to the tape and see for yourself what all exactly went down. But tell Without Fail, that is she Is seeing someone behind your back, it stops Now. (meaning there in person) and if she's playing on line, then stop lying about it. Above all else, the lies need to cease.
Good luck my friend, and you know where I am.
Hugs and kissies
Yer Cat

[Long Duck Dong]

just curious......

I have a different approach..... I am not interested in the arguments and I am not interested in the fighting.......

I am interested in the start..... right back when things started to go wrong in your eyes .....your wife saying she was not interested in sex .... the things like that....... cos there will have been something there that has been missed and overlooked...... and now you need to sit back and really think about it.......

and dude, everything in your post, is saying to me... the issue is not with your wife.... its with you..... she may have lost all sexual interest in you..... but not the love of you.....

[BiDesire]

If she can sit there and lie to you looking you in the eye......it's time to move on.

[Bluebiyou]

WARNING!: VERY OPINIONATED POST WARNING!

If she's doing medication for mental... disorder/illness, ignore my post.


If she can sit there and lie to you looking you in the eye......it's time to move on.

justcurious4me
Pull your head out of the micro details of your situation. The only thing that remains is your acceptance.

BiDesire is most likely correct; unless you two have some very serious codependency, in which case he's even more correct.


Goodnight Vienna.


I don't think I've ever suffered a pain in my whole life as bad as when my ex left me.
She fell out of love with me, I still needed her/loved her.
Now it's easy looking back... Woof! The pain was horrible at the time. God! Years later I shudder to think I would still be with her!!!!
:yikes2::yikes2::yikes2: :yikes2::yikes2::yikes2: :yikes2::yikes2::yikes2: :yikes2::yikes2::yikes2: :yikes2::yikes2::yikes2: :yikes2::yikes2:

You won't believe me now. But this may be the best thing that has happened to you in a long time. It may take you 3 to 5 years to realize after the split.
Just remember the pain is horrible, but not only can your life get better, but it can improve better than you ever imagined (it did for me).

For God's sake don't do anything melodramatic or harmful (to yourself or others).

J'regrets,
Blue

[Bluebiyou]

Escape clause.

Your situation seemed simple until I recall you mentioned Korea.

PS. Korea is awful for Americans.
Everyone I've known who came back from Korea, came back with severe addiction problems, at a minimum. The culture stress is too much for the average American.
And I'm speaking of the working American in Korea for years, not the military fishbowl.

Y'all might have a chance if you come back. Ask her if she wants to come back.
Did her sexual disinterest in you occur after the move to Korea? If so Korea might be the problem.

[justcurious4me]

PS. Korea is awful for Americans.
Everyone I've known who came back from Korea, came back with severe addiction problems, at a minimum. The culture stress is too much for the average American.
And I'm speaking of the working American in Korea for years, not the military fishbowl.

Y'all might have a chance if you come back. Ask her if she wants to come back.
Did her sexual disinterest in you occur after the move to Korea? If so Korea might be the problem.

Well... I guess I should be glad that I'm one of the fish in that fishbowl... I don't think that her disinterest happened because of the move to Korea at all... If there was a location that really soured a lot of stuff in our relationship and family in general, it had to be while we were living in Texas... Big state, some great things to see, but the state services (when you live there) are a huge bunch of showguns that go into a situation with guns blazing before they even understand what's going on... That's actually one reason for a lot of the sour in our lives and so far it's taken over two years to get over it... Bad things happened there and we're both DAMN GLAD to have left San Antonio...